Upsell Artist Gifts

Rudy, I've noticed your upsells have fallen drastically over the last 16 years. More and more, you just give customers what they ask for instead of pushing them to buy a larger cup, an extra cookie, or a 3-minute bathroom pass. That is unacceptable. So I've signed you up for my mandatory "How to Upsell" course and ordered you the reading material. Tuition fees will be deducted from your check. As your first lesson, I've upgraded you from the 2-week course to the 15-day one for just $50 extra. Ve

"This is going to make the most amazing driftwood table."

"Ikea for hippies" 1. Flimsig used pallets, old foam 2. Stinkum goat wool 3. Beetup recycled lumber 4. Riskig kerosene lamp 5. Stupor hand blown by Nils 6. Smokum found on beach in Mendocino 7. Woblig 100% driftwood

Bottle Bank: For the Colour Blind.

That's supposed to say garage sale!

'I'm thinking the bee beard is the main reson that you're still single'

"Can you believe Jim made all the furniture out of old rubbish?"

Never pick a fight with a comedian.

'The Prom Dress: One Week Later'

Dogs Must Be On A Leash.

"In two million years from now people like me will still be very rich tanks to idiots like you!"

'I'll take the one on the right.'

Crap others threw out

'Do you do anything with the old casks?'

Recycling - Perfectly good bits you can't recycle or give away...

'Muriel makes all her own clothes out of junk mail.'

The Goal Post-Impressionists,

Three years ago during a special episode of the Ask Sadie™ show, our resident octogenarian asked readers for advice about how she could deal with her midlife crisis. You should try a radical makeover. When I hit midlife, I dyed my hair, got some tattoos, and dropped 75 pounds. My husband barely recognized me when he returned from overseas. He was not happy with my "new self," so I divorced him rather than change who I'd become. It was the best decision I'd made since I cut my thieving mother out

Man visits palm reader with 'Doing Anything Tonight?' written on his hands.

Thank you for deferring your response.

"I made it from a lost space probe."

Statistics Research: You Can Fool 45% of the People 55% of the time, but you can't fool all the people all the time.

How to recover from a bad day

"Why can't you just buy some modern LED lights?"

"Deputy, round up a posse, I can't find my phone."

They've come a long way since they started in his parents' garage.

Pretending To Care

Recycling Bin/Upcycling Bin

'I need to get a bigger place.'

Second hand store: 'LEFTOVERS AGAIN!'

"Here's your gift. It's made from 100% recycled materials."

'Wanna help make sure we don't become an endangered species?'

"Excuse me, your honor. If you could just give us a few minutes, my client would like to pitch some time shares to the jury real quick."

"Does it occur to you that the only thing separating us is a basket of bar snacks? And a flimsy basket at that?"

'I'm getting ready for mating season.'