Uniformity Skeptic Gifts

"The law firm of Lemming, Lemming, Lemming, Lemming, Lemming, Lemming..."

'According to our statistics department, 78.93 of the statistics they produce are worthless.'

'Last year we increased sales by 100%.'

'We went generic. The players' salaries are affordable.'

"I've had a lot of exercise today! I jumped to several conclusions, ran my mouth on the phone, and I just cycled through 500 cable channels!"

"My blood type...it's the type that doesn't like to exercise."

And this model comes with a fitness tracker.

'In other words, statistics prove that statisticians aren't always right.'

"Does everybody know everybody?"

'Don't hide behind sales figures, Bill. We both know terminating me is philosophically unsound.'

"What're you doing? Your contract forbids you from watching 'cute baby video' on YouTube."

"Dad, this survey says too much study is bad for you..."

"That's $3.50 for the dog plus 75 cents toxic cooking water disposal surcharge."

'No 'Natural Environment,' next 127 miles - Govt. test study.'

Remember, statistics are in the eye of the manipulator.

"I have every confidence that the measures taken will encourage spending..."

'Your medical coverage does not consider that a medical necessity.'

"The creative department? Just go down here until everyone looks, sounds and dresses the same."

"She's not the perfect wife, but at least she's not always buying shoes."

Airport Security. I had to go through the security pat-down three times --- They had trouble believing this is just my body and I'm not hiding anything.

'I felt an overwhelming nostalgia for the old video games where you sit on your arse.'

'if your wife ever asks you to meet her at Pilates...don't! It's not a pizzeria.'

"The minister has instructed us to get rid of 43% of meaningless targets in the next 43 days." "Could we start with that one?"

Useful Degrees:"Bachelor of Waitressing

Newt, a man of ideas. . . We didn't say they were good ideas.

If everyone agrees with you, you're probably wrong.

Panel with Experts to be broken in case of emergency

'The object is to make money, not pay claims! Don't make me tell you again!'

"So, fifty percent loved the advert!" "That's right...I did, but my wife didn't."

'Bud's body is in a pretty good shape; it's his mind that needs work.'

A Sweeping Reform.

"Yes... I'd like to cancel my membership to the company fitness program immediately."

The closest I get to running these days is jogging my memory!

'You need an exercise program other than bar-hopping.'

'Seventy three percent of statistics are made up on the spot.'