Tv Critic Extraordinaire Gifts

'If I'd known these programs were going to be so fake - I'd be psychic!'

"Well, at least it's an improvement from last night."

'This has the makings of their toughest season ever.'

Difference of Opinion

American Idle.

Stop! Stop what? Do not change the channel! Sex, death, harrowing footage of the most remarkable story you've ever seen, tattoos, rock-n-roll, action, action, action! It's all coming right up, right after this five second break for station identification. Five seconds ... You're watching Rock Television. And now back to our ... bored. Welcome to ABC. We've got thrills, action, more thrills ... Click. I've got your action right here. We've created a monster. Click click click click click cl-

Man: 'How cute. He must like the movement.' Cat: 'There are some challenging themes here but little or no dramatic resonance.'

"I always forget what an expert I am in curling."

'What does it say, Dad?'

'Everything is illusory? -- Even reality shows?'

Can't Touch This

"I mean the Saturday Night Live president, not the lousy one."

"Stand up, honey. The president's on. You're committing treason."

"Son, the world is full of disappointments. About 7.7 billion of them."

'It's not much of a soap opera with just that Adam guy.'

"I like it but does it get only the one channel?"

'It's not as impressive as it looks. He only watches fishing shows.'

Christmas TV...

'Now time for a coffee while hubby cleans up the mess.'

Can't Touch This

'Of course, I'm not one of those glamorous paleontologists who are all over TV these days.'

A slow Day on the Rolling News Channel

'Every TV show seems to have a lucrative phone-in competition these days.'

'I thought this was a documentary about animal cruelty.'

'Do you want to watch the weather/natural disaster channel, the nuclear proliferation channel, or the gun violence/Kennedy assassination channel?'

"The keep saying unrestored and what a nice PATINA, Ted. A better-sounding word for old tarnished stuff would be SCRINCH or SKRITCH, don't you think, eh, Ted?"

'What a strange episode -- they just voted Ricardo Montalban off the island!'

Meet John Henderson. - The only journalist NOT to have interviewed serial killers in prison...

"I suppose we have Judge Judy to thank for all this."

"You don't have to answer that."

'I'm a has-been celebrity - get me in there!'

Diana Inquest - 'It's time to move on, and start making a TV mini-series of her life.'

'Well, kids -- I guess it all started to fall apart when they canceled 'Seinfeld'....'

'In an unexpected development, an illegal alien won 'American Idol.''

'He has a learning disability all right - television!'