Tv Comedy Viewers Gifts

"Let's stop pretending we understand the English setters and just turn on the subtitles."

Zombie standup

"I groom all day and still look like a baboon."

"That's it lads, 364 days annual leave...what would we have done without our union!"

"Oh my gosh, honey! Look out!"

"That'll be five bucks."

'No. The television screen hasn't gone red - You've got tomato ketchup all over your glasses!'

"Cat World Domination Day June 24th"

Two fishermen land on stumps. Man says to other, 'Is that enough structure for ya?!'

"She just takes things too seriously in our relationship."

"Puss in cement boots"

'We interrupt this programme for a sex flash.'

'We were thinking of naming him after his daddy, but I don't really like the name, Old slap head.'

"We have plenty of time to catch the ark."

'I was told you two have a love-hate relationship. Care to elaborate on that?'

Standard & Poor

"What's the final episode of 'Seinfeld' about?""It's about nothing."

Pet Entertainers

"He says he's sure this isn't Wildwood. Did you put batteries in the GPS?"

Plum jam...

"You want to know why I drink?. . . I drink to forget!"

"Friends have been scribbling on my cast."

Technique #54 airlines are adopting for handling excessive carry on luggage.

'Is your cabbage diet working darling?'

The first case of resume padding.

Shopper in grocery store sees TV dinners marked daytime and prime time.

"No, no, that’s in a bar, Mr. President — you can talk politics and religion here."

"Beer? I see you taught Roscoe to fetch?"

Top Ten New Year's Resolutions

Yakety-Yak

'It's a nicotine patch...I've been smoking too much.'

Frank & Ernest. Signe Painted. Cosmetology Dept. That should be "cosmology"! Why do you always get those two confused? I always think the one about space should have an "et" in it.

"Don't go in there!!"

"Those are the lyrics? How embarrassing—I've been singing it wrong this whole time."

Cockroaches struggle to use the ski lift.