Turkey Fan Pillows

'It's perfectly natural to have anxiety attacks this time of year.'

"Don't laugh – it got my uncle out of the Army."

God perfects his turkey design.

"Guys are way too proud of their wattle."

'Goodness, no Doctor, my husband is not calling you any insulting names. He's a duck and that's the only word he knows.'

Cut out and keep your own Christmas Caterer.

'Mom's Diner, Turkey Sandwich Special, $2.00.'

'It's not what you think. It's not about our liberation.'

The great bit pie chart of holiday season dining.

"The last one is Uncle Charlie. He was pardoned in 1987."

'Pumpkin pie isn't dessert. It's another vegetable.'

"I guess it must be that new growth hormone the farmer gave me!"

"Talk about close calls! Harry, tell them about last Thanksgiving!"

'I don't know how I could've forgotten my lines. I was all ears when they gave them to me.'

"Never say you're stuffed!"

'Haven't you ever heard of warmed up turkey?'

"For keyhole turkey carving we use a 12 mm port in each flank and third in the midline."

Squanto's less than famous older brother Squinto.

'When they start calling you a splendid bird, you know you're in trouble.'

A Dog Is For Life Not Just For Christmas.

'You broke your wishbone. I'd suggest making a wish.'

'Ouch! I'm glad I didn't lay him.'

Holiday Overkill.

Turkey Dinner and gravity

Ineffective Turkey Disguises

'I don't know what happened in there, Stanley... But I've completely lost the urge to eat. I mean it - I feel stuffed! Supposed to come back right before thanksgiving for a follow-up though.'

Turkey Farm Inc: 'And guess what you get for a Christmas bonus?'

"He bought a thermometer for me, and I'm not even sick."

'Next year we'll bring the turkey.'

"Hippity hoppity. Easter's on its way."

Christmas escape plan

"Bad news - your DNA was delicious."

"I haven't been fond of humans since one of them coined the phrase, 'in the soup'."