Tree Conversationalist Gifts

"Ed's tree hugging was out of control."

'I wish they'd leave us out of their sordid affairs!'

"You're very lucky that gazelle gives me diarrhea."

"I disagree — I think humans are funny."

'Yak, yak, yak.'

Pet Shop - Parrot labeled as 'Good Listener'

"Do you mind if I bounce something off you?"

'Mom, Dad... we found out that in a previous life, Sheila was a dog and I was a tree. That's why we decided to marry to continue this promising relationship!'

"Oui, c'est bon. It is, how you Americans say, 'Magically Delicious'."

"Do you think the birds like me?"

'Oh, Olivia, I just love your new caption! Where on earth did you find it?'

'So much for talking to plants. I distinctly heard it tell me to shut up!'

'He's a man of few works. He likes to talk, he just has a limited vocabulary.'

Philosopher's pub with 24 hour thinking.

"Every single day, guys ask you for advice about women, work, sports... Haven't you ever even heard of the law of supply and demand?. . .I'd be glad to steer the downtrodden and the forlorn your way for a mere 82% of the man-to-man-talk fee."

"Dunno...they all look the same to me..."

"Of course working from home is different. . ."

"I don't mind emotional trauma if I can turn it into a really funny anecdote."

"Frankly, I just want to talk about how great I am non-stop and uninterrupted for 50 minutes every week on a long term basis."

"If a tree falls in the forest and no-one hears it.".... "Then your illegal logging business is a success."

"It was a slow day - my pedometer says I only put in 1, 273, 426 steps."

"Have you ever actually seen a chicken cross the road?"

'It's funny - I'm a Bourbon, but I've always preferred Scotch.'

'I've found taking a sip of another table's wine is an effective conversation starter.'

Student: 'Is the medical marijuana thing a grass-roots movement?'

'He hacked it off because the women in his weekly painting group never stopped gassing!'

A lesson in wit

Revenge is a dish best served cold.

'Back in 1956 you were the youngest Briton to cover the Hungarian uprising. You are presently writing your memoirs in Sardinia. First question: how do you feel about the sorry state the London Underground is in?'

'The secret is to invite good talkers and good listeners and a good laugh track.'

'Dang it! The gals out here leave little to a feller's imagination.'

'But enough about me...Let's talk about you!'

'No idea. He's been there for as long as I can remember.'