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'Yeah, but I'm afraid that those in favor of teaching 'Intelligent Design' never met my husband.'

'The History Channel is all reruns.'

Before the Internet

'We need you to settle a bet -- was 'Twilight Zone' a sitcom or a documentary?'

'Hey...remember T.V.?

'It's O.K. Charlie - you can relax. The T.V. repairman said, 'it can be fixed!''

This is the last time I ask Peterson to dust for prints.

'No Bonanza, no Gunsmoke, no Led Zeppelin... what a sad state of affairs this is! I'm glad I'm not in your generation...'

Lady throws dart to decide which soap opera she's going to watch.

'Could you pass me my - oh thankyou.'

'With the kind cooperation of the underworld, we present live, for the first time on TV, an actual holdup.'

TV Situations vacant.

'I've seen nothing I've liked since Victor Meldrew!'

Moses' TV guide.

Time for today's dose of emotional manipulation...

"Well, now we know what Letterman's doing, what are we doing?"

'Good, lots of waxy buildup.'

'What did your grandmother and I do before we had 600 channels? Go ask your 12 aunts and uncles.'

"...but after they hired Vanna White instead of me things really got interesting."

'Sir Steve Austin is here to see you.'

It's on. My new favorite game show! Welcome to: Garbage, recycling or compost?! Dana from New York you can walk away with $10,000 or try to double the green! Double, please. Okay, Dana, here's your object: A takeout container from a local restaurant. Garbage, recycling or compost? Geez. I'm guessing it would depend on whether it's got some cardboard or it's fully biodegradable. Final answer? Recycling. Wrong. Garbage! I knew it. Ridicule her! You've lost your green, loser! I'm sorry. I try so ha

"He goes through the TV listings deleting all the 'trash' I like."

When I was a kid watching "Perry Mason" on tv, I always knew that when I grew up I'd spend a lot of time in courtroom. The only part I had wrong was that I always assumed I would be the defendant. ! !

I lost as a contestant on the quiz show, but they gave me this lovely parting gift...

Liz Hurley

'Morcambe and Wise.'

"Popular astrologer and psychic Malder Tercado's contract with a national Spanish-language TV network was not renewed. Tercado was reportedly surprised by the news...saying he didn't see it coming."

'Well, it WAS worth nine thousand dollars. Sorry about that.'

'Hon, is tonight Trash Night?'

'What do you mean you're not drunk? That's the calculator!'

'I'd like to buy a towel.'

'If you smiled in the mornings, you'd come up in the ratings, too.'

99 Dalmations - Edited for television.

Elderly Tarzan...

Norman Fell