Training Manager Gifts

LISTEN AND LEARN: "Are you sure he's listening to module 3 of 'coping with change'?"

'There's an assertiveness training course. Want to go?'

"I'v never actually stormed a castle, but I've taken a bunch of siege-management courses."

"Your screams may be recorded for training purposes. . ."

"I'm afraid the turnout wasn't as high as we'd hoped. Ten of them misheard the date, six got the time wrong, and most of the rest ended up at the wrong venue."

"I still call it a custard tart but to be honest, it's a dairy free, soy fructose mix, with no nuts."

"Says. . . some signals are monitored by my supervisor for training and quality purposes. . .??"

"I've organised training on dealing with poverty, homelessness, stress management and powerlessness."

Rocket Launch Control Centre Back in 10,9,8,7,6,5,4,3,2,1

The Department of Blind-Side Bias, Knowledge Gaps and Really Great Coffee.

Life with a professional baseball catcher.

"Why won't you teach us how to handle complaints?"

I'm going to practice on you before I start managing other people.

"Any questions?"

'Now THAT'S a presentation! Great delivery, great graphics, and he moonwalks from the room.'

'Hey, look, I can stand up and shout, too!'

"I'm not sure about this new trainee - he asked me when does he get to see the actual ropes."

How to deliver a successful presentation.

'Believe me, I know transformation isn't easy. I pulled a muscle once.'

"Any questions?"

'One of the new targets is targeting which targets we're meant to target.'

"Good news...I found a doctor who says you can still play!"

"The anger management consultant said he wasn't going to alter his **** dates at this t****stage which fits in with the 'managing change' consultant who said it was to late to change her plans..."

"I believe I can create a great presentation if I can only tap into my cognitive dissonance."

Hanging off every word...

Quality Control

Pushy Dog

"The GOOD news is that 94 people want to attend the leadership training, the bad news is that 64 of them want to change the venue, 56 the time and 45 want to be course leader."

"You may inflict pain, but it mustn't be severe or prolonged."

"I love being your agent, Nick, but the guys making the really big bucks now are the managers. Let me be your manager."

'First of all, relax.'

"Try not to think of them just as a 'customer' but rather as your only chance of paying your mortgage and putting food on your plate."

"This is the communications workshop, right? Let’s get started, I’m prepared!"

'I hope that training aid doesn't give him the idea that bigger laptops could mean more output.'

'Wait! Let's see if he gets up on his own.'