Traditionalist Jokester Pillows

"Sorry, kid, the nutrition nannies threatened to shut me down if I didn't change from chocolate to tofu Easter eggs."

Kid in time-out writes 'it was the best of time out...'

"I saved us a hundred bucks on a Jolly Jumper."

Wolfgang Amadeus Mozak.

"Jack Daniels-in-a-box"

'I hate to say I told you so, Larry, but that's why you check your car for bears before you put on your seatbelt.'

A crab with a utility knife claw

"Grandpa's not tech savvy. If I want to unfriend someone, I say, 'I don't like you anymore' to their face."

Drainpipe in a sombrero.

"Okay, who's been messing with the copy machine?"

"And the Lord he sayeth 'doest thou thinkest I knoweth not who sniggereth at the back there?'"

Romulus and Remus ( and their brother Derek )

Lengray's 1,001 practical Jokes for beginners (a man getting punched in the face with a mechanical glove).

"You idiots … we lost!"

'This painting's in very poor taste.' 'Yes. It's from his sour grapes period.'

'You're breaking up...please text me.'

Dry Hard with a Vengeance

Alpine Pipe

'The electricians hot-wired the building inspector's car seat again.'

"This is all so ARBITRARY!"

"Is there a humorist in the house?"

The Principal of Inertia.

'Hey,mom-have you seen my pet frog?'

"We both knew this day would come, Samantha... I'm leaving you and taking the kids."

Interrupted Shower.

'Tender and Juicy.'

The disgusting, embarrassing sound of a whoopie cushion...

"It's a brovella about my life in the frat. But if it's longer than two hundred pages it becomes a brahvel."

'... and I would have gotten away with it too, if it weren't for those dang meddling kids... that and my incredibly stupid plan. Also in retrospect, I realize my costume was, regrettably, quite lame.'

Golf Myth #293--Ball Washer

Unselfish by nature - he delights to show the novice where the big chub cruise...and where the best pike lie.

"Let's work on opening up that fourth chakra."

"If we were really best friends, you would be fetching my slippers once in awhile."