Traditionalist Jokester Pillows

"Sorry, kid, the nutrition nannies threatened to shut me down if I didn't change from chocolate to tofu Easter eggs."

Kid in time-out writes 'it was the best of time out...'

"I saved us a hundred bucks on a Jolly Jumper."

Wolfgang Amadeus Mozak.

"Jack Daniels-in-a-box"

'I hate to say I told you so, Larry, but that's why you check your car for bears before you put on your seatbelt.'

A crab with a utility knife claw

It's an autobiography of a guy who spent his whole life trying to get his first @#^& book published. Editor.

"Grandpa's not tech savvy. If I want to unfriend someone, I say, 'I don't like you anymore' to their face."

"Okay, who's been messing with the copy machine?"

I think he's joking. "Placebo" can't be a real medical science term. It sounds like a funny name for a clown.

Drainpipe in a sombrero.

"And the Lord he sayeth 'doest thou thinkest I knoweth not who sniggereth at the back there?'"

Lengray's 1,001 practical Jokes for beginners (a man getting punched in the face with a mechanical glove).

Romulus and Remus ( and their brother Derek )

"You idiots … we lost!"

'This painting's in very poor taste.' 'Yes. It's from his sour grapes period.'

Athen's Theater. "Oedipus Rex" didn't test well as a title, Sophocles. How would you feel about calling it "My Big Fat Greek Tragedy"?

"Is there a humorist in the house?"

'The electricians hot-wired the building inspector's car seat again.'

The Principal of Inertia.

Dry Hard with a Vengeance

"This is all so ARBITRARY!"

'You're breaking up...please text me.'

Alpine Pipe

'Hey,mom-have you seen my pet frog?'

"We both knew this day would come, Samantha... I'm leaving you and taking the kids."

Unselfish by nature - he delights to show the novice where the big chub cruise...and where the best pike lie.

The disgusting, embarrassing sound of a whoopie cushion...

'Tender and Juicy.'

"It's a brovella about my life in the frat. But if it's longer than two hundred pages it becomes a brahvel."

'... and I would have gotten away with it too, if it weren't for those dang meddling kids... that and my incredibly stupid plan. Also in retrospect, I realize my costume was, regrettably, quite lame.'

Golf Myth #293--Ball Washer

Interrupted Shower.

"Let's work on opening up that fourth chakra."