Toupee Aficionado T-Shirts

"Well, okay, but it's got to go if I start hearing any belligerent tweets."

"States of tofu"

Happy Surrogate Thanksgiving

"Here's to East, West, South and Bridgehampton, and all the little Hamptons in between."

Prosecco

Express Barber Chair. 10 Hairs or Less

"I can't party like I used to, I've got enough Tupperware"

'Don't you think it's time you did something about the draught in here?'

'He's wearing a toupee.'

'Mmm... the bouquet flickers around the nose like butterflies sweetly scented by the shower from a the milk of a goddesses breasts.'

'I'm a simple man really beneath the code words and the black ops and the multitude of fake passports.'

Ha! Musical fruit my patootie...

Jude Law.

Bouncer.

"I don't know art, but I know what I like."

"That's closer to the shade of taupe I want, but it's still not quite right!"

(Hey! Great chops!)

"There were days he could kill for a piece of tofu."

You know that symphony I wrote in GarageBand? It drops next week. You're invited. Symphonies don't "drop," little buddy. Rock albums "drop." R&B "drops." Symphonies "debut." And they usually debut in concert halls, with live musicians. Where's your symphony debuting? Anybody-can-upload-anything-for-people-to-download.com. I wonder if I can get my tux pressed in time.

"Mike, I know you're happy with your new toupee, but I really think it's something that you should keep under you hat."

'Must have had bad weather at the Artist's Colony. All the claims start with 'It was a dark and stormy night.''

Singles Night: 'No, no, it's not you, the problem's with me - it's just that I'm cursed with good taste.'

Penguins shopping for new clothes

"Your Honor this is Exhibit A in the Wallenda Paternity suit."

'More versatile than you think - the building is made of tofu.'

Psychiatrist's patient plays trumpet.

'Does the tie make me look too formal?'

"After all those desert island cartoons, I suppose we had this coming."

The Lord giveth. The Lord taketh away. Joe giveth back.

Moments before Neville found his meaning,

'Which wine should I serve with tofu meat loaf and seaweed salad?'

Man in tuxedo afraid to fire his gun.

"Sorry, Tom, but when all you have is a hammer, everything looks like a nail."

'Please stand by. Our Newscaster has lost his toupee.'

Tired of being called a 'Bald Eagle,' Alan finally springs for that toupee.