Tortoise Guardian Gifts

"Oh c'mon, Phil. Everyone knows we only stay together for the giant tortoise."

'It appears he hit an iceberg.' (A LETTUCE)

"I decided to go all out on the house decorations this year."

"Have you heard? There's talk about raising the retirement age to 170?"

"Eat my dust!"

Beware of the Dog Hair.

"Maybe if I make myself inconspicuous I won't be called on."

"It's a new year, and I have a brand new attitude. Which way is it to San Diego Sea World?"

"Sometimes, plastic in the ocean isn't bad... Ooh, that bottle cap will make a lovely bowl for Ed and Nicole!"

Earth Day Summit.

'Thanks to the internet, I can telecommute a few days a week now: I don't need to waste so much time travelling...'

'You may disagree with me now, Son, but when you're 500 years old, you'll understand.'

Man in a tortoise shell visiting a psychiatrist.

'I've seen nothing I've liked since Victor Meldrew!'

'Does he do anything besides watch the money?'

"They're perfect astronauts. Fast velocity followed by a long, slow pace."

'Calm down darling... now what do you mean the tortoise has gone berserk?'

'170 years old - and they look that age from day one!'

Brexit Tortoise

"No not the puppy please"

'Eye response, normal.' - Deer Physicals.

'Tortoise stampede! But finish your picnic, folks - plenty of time.'

"Turned out he wasn't a miniature."

'I'm sorry, but I just can't handle you being out at sea for so long.'

Hang on, don't cross now: I can see a car coming...

Shepherd watching sheep on closed circuit TV

'The 20th century wasn't bad, but I preferred the 19th. I'm open minded for the 21st.'

Bureaucrat Walking his Pet

Boy throws a stick for a tortoise. By the time the tortoise returns, the boy is an old man.

"As cats go, my Bertie's always been a little slow on his feet, but then again, that's a tortoise shell for you!"

"Try to act scared...he thinks he's a Rottweiler!"

"It helps to lessen the load of my shelf Dad: I'm so much faster now..."

"We're not accusing you of abusing the system, but I understand you've been on Social Security for 150 years."

Rex is suddenly regretting having offered to help the old lady cross the road...

Monkey steeling Eggs. Bird attacking monkey.