Torch Collector Gifts

Trick or treat...

'This is the 'Mother Flame' - three for a pound down the market.'

Statue of liberty holding a lighter

"These are the very weapons your mother and I used in our famous duel."

Rudolph goes green (compact flourescent nose)

"In the whole length and breadth of this world there is no more admirable a spot for a man and his dog to pass the time than the local Home Depot."

'They look more up to date than the ones in your tool-box.'

'It's genuine 17th century satsuma - and the pair would have been worth ?14,000.'

Name one serious woodworker who doesn't use state of the art kit. Thomas Chippendale.

Bribes for Jabs

'A cousin to the hammerhead, here we see the allusive, yet, handy, multi-use shark.'

"He loves his leaf blower."

Hardware Store Tools Wrench

'Ideas.com' desk with a 'come' tray and a 'gone' tray.

'Heirloom Tiffany Lamp Delivery. I Brake for Everything.'

Oct. 1982: Researchers attempt an ill-fated procedure in great white shark oral hygiene.

They're watching a documentary about safety razors. Sounds like a Schick flick!

His cubicle had come to be known as 'Teddy Bear Heaven'.

"Hey, I just consider myself very fortunate to be getting paid for something I'd be doing anyway."

'I'm a do-it-yourselfer, but I've never been a done-it-yourselfer...'

'... and we're also having a sale on do-it-yourself emergency surgery kits.'

'Yeah, yeah, yeah... I know the drill.'

'You know, there's no need to reinvent the rock.'

Al's Farm Equipment: Our Prices Can't Be Beat!

"We were having a great conversation and then someone clapped."

'...So you claim this is genuine Rembrandt?'

"Sure, it's a break you can live with... but screw one more socket and you're toast!"

'... Going once...going twice...aaaand--sold! To the gentleman in the front row for a thousand words.'

'Put your tools away. We can't afford to pay any more tradesmen to fix another of your botched DIY projects.'

'I think you want Phillips. Two doors down on the left.'

Alien attack in the 1950s

'Where do you keep the elbow grease?'

'Triple-headed razors?... Aisle seven.'

Pun on Excalibur - Swiss Army knife appears from the lake.

"Twenty-five thousand, do I hear thirty thousand? Let me remind you all - this is the last Thin Mint cookie in the sleeve..."