Threat Detector Gifts

'Homeland security! That sign has 'threat' written all over it!'

Turtle Hat

When Tia Carmen says... "I got it for a very good price!" it means...she stopped at a garage sale on the way home.

'Eric! Look for his pressure point! He's got to have a pressure point somewhere!'

Sportswasher's

'While these products may not result in weight loss, they will result in credibility loss.'

"Are there any extra crew on board? He still looks hungry."

"How long do you think we'll get away with it?"

'Just putt the dang ball, already!'

The Great Maldini and his Venomous Snakes

'I don't like it... It's too quiet.'

'I detect you scanning my cards!'

Knife-thrower.

"You fix it by buying a new one."

Tragedy Strikes at the Linnaean Society Picnic

Carnivorous plant exhibition.

They say that animal behaviour can warn us about impending danger.

Quick Sand and Slow Sand

A bomb appears in the shadow of the Statue of Liberty.

'It's time that ball-kicking cheater got his. Tell mommy that daddy loves her, Ritchie... Here I go...'

"He's running with a tough crowd"

Introducing...The Creeping Draft

Get rich quick giving seminars!

'Are you certain that you want to go in there?'

'How long has it been since you've had a tetanus shot?'

'No, you're the plumber, you go and check how bad the leak is.'

Circus Workers

95mph fastball.

"First of all, let's find out who blew the whistle on us."

'Know what I'm thinking of this very minute? Shark fin soup!'

Military sergeant coming up on a private juggling grenades

"Why am I always attracted to women with an unpredictable, dangerous energy crackling under the surface?"

"Real men don't shave, but, if you have to, don't be dainty about it."

'It's Randy's fault, coach. There're two outs. Cases are loaded...'

A man is crushed by his sculpture of a hand.