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Psychiatrist to man dressed in baseball jersey: 'You've never gotten over the fact your father wouldn't play catch with you?'

You spend way too much time and energy stewing over things, Al

'…and then I invented ‘prong-less' barbed wire…'

'I think Dr Fussmertz caught your paranoia. He's hiding under his couch.'

"One coping mechanism I suggest to deal with uncertain times is to eat as much as you can, gain a lot of weight, and then go have a nap for six months or so."

"And the letterbox version, how does that make you feel."

Beer $.50. I've had lot of psychological therapy, but none of it seems to help. Maybe you

"You're completely screwed up."

"Albert the Great—what a joke."

'Care to join in some of my avoidance behaviour?'

"Your therapy will be a combination of drugs and clowns."

"Sometime I feel people go out of their way just to scare me."

"Hi, my name is Rudolph." "Hi Rudolph." "And I have a drinking problem." "Hi Rudolph." "Hi Rudolph." "Hi Rudolph." "Hi Rudolph." "Hi Rudolph."

'Pencil on couch being psycho analysed.'

'We're like one big family tree... that's why everyone is in therapy.'

"You'll never be a full participant in your mental health care if you keep saying wacky things."

"Teach me not to care."

I've been feeling sluggish lately.

Psychiatrist: Mind over matter filing trays.

"Why do you feel like you're lost?"

'We auto mechanics get no respect!'

'Life's little wonders are too big for me.'

"The fact that I have multiple personalities and none of them are computer literate is depressing."

"I have this relationship with money, it's complicated."

"No heroic measures."

Sardine psychologist.

"I'm sensing that the role-playing homework I gave you didn't work."

"This obsession of yours about becoming a car mechanic..."

"You dawdle, daydream. You make lists of things to do but can't get started. You seem to be restricted from doing what you know you should be doing. These problems will dissolve when you read Chapter Ten of my new book, at eight dollars and ninety-five cents."

"I'm afraid that's a wrap for this session!"

"They're out to get me... I keep getting phone calls that say 'spam risk'."

"Alexa, does this guy have mother issues?"

Let's try something new, Al. I'll say a word, then you remain mercifully silent for the rest of the hour.

"Since you ask, when I'm through here I go home and listen to a bunch of mindless crap on TV."

"Nobody loves me." "Yeah, nobody listens to me. Not even my wife." "My kids don't respect me."