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'My parents are divorced...and I'm doing very nicely, thank you.'

"Tell me about the constant hand washing."

'Yes, we are going in circles. How do you feel about that?'

'It's not my childhood that traumatised me. It's the size of your bills.'

"I seem to bring out the worst in people."

"I don't want to be his best friend any more."

'Most of your repressed memories involve not paying my fees.'

'Before we start... get off the couch.'

'Life's little wonders are too big for me.'

"Frankly, the idea of "Mating for Life" is quite daunting to somebody like me who has a fear of commitment..."

Man in therapist office sees a sign: Therapy Is Expensive Bubble Wrap Is Cheap You Decide

'How did it go at the shrink?'

Anger management.

'I have a phobia of couches'

'My mind keeps wandering into restricted areas.'

'Let's face it -- you're fatalistic and you probably always will be.'

'My analyst recommended you for my post-traumatic stress.'

"Your problem is one of duality."

"Sorry. Those are for me. These sessions bore me to tears."

"We have a number of mechanical devices which increase sexual arousal."

"There's nothing wrong with me, I just really like this couch."

"People call me self-centered."

"...No, no, I was listening. You were saying something about your father or your boss or something. Right?"

"You do realise that you are not the only client scheduled this morning?"

"I can't afford therapy. The inner child support payments alone are killing me."

"My mother – well, she can be a little overbearing at times. Sorry Ma."

"This one allows release of your information to a sitcom."

"You dawdle, daydream. You make lists of things to do but can't get started. You seem to be restricted from doing what you know you should be doing. These problems will dissolve when you read Chapter Ten of my new book, at eight dollars and ninety-five cents."

"Since you ask, when I'm through here I go home and listen to a bunch of mindless crap on TV."

"I see growth."

Those are alligator tears, Al. What's the difference between crocodile tears and alligator tears? Crocodile tears are insincere. Alligator tears are sincere, but alligators are whining crybabies.

Psychiatric Clinic. I don't think he's a very good therapist. I said I needed some help finding myself and he put an ankle tracking device on me.

Let's try something a little different today, Al

Psychiatry. Therapy will never cure your perfectionism if you keep insisting that we start over!

'Your car broke down? Oh, my. Well, don't panic. Just be there for it. Listen and try to be supportive.'