Therapist Sessions Fan Gifts

'Let's talk about your smoking problem.'

Licensed Therapist

"But if you cure my hypochondria I won't have any hobbies."

"They retired me. Just like that. Seems I'm no good over 55 mph anymore." "How does that make you feel?" "Like I want to bash my head against a wall!"

"Yeah, you could say I've got mother issues....she told me I have to move out!"

Man on psychiatrist's couch: 'It was a cry for help, really - I tried to slash my wrists with rollerblades.'

"Now, let’s talk about your attachment issues."

'I'll never forget you, Vince -- My therapist says it would be counterproductive to try.'

"Hello Mum .. The Doc wants to know if I have difficulty making decisions. What do you think?"

"Say these things, don't think them!"

'I told you he had a temper.'

"Do you feel you were loved as a tadpole?"

"Adolescence can be a very trying time, Mr. Alcorn."

"It's my 30-day chip. One month catnip free."

"I feel like we're finally making progress."

"Have you ever heard anyone yell 'EEEK! A psychiatrist!'?"

Dentist as psychoanalyst with tooth patient on couch

"Let's just get through the first aisle...then we'll discuss your impulse buying."

Men and Women's changing rooms

'You seem pretty wound up today.'

'I can't even watch football on TV. When they go into a huddle I'm sure they're talking about me.'

'The only reason she keeps me is to rub out her bed wrinkles.'

'The part I like best about sex is when I light a cigarette and say next.'

'Spending and consuming - that's my kind of patriotism.'

'You worry too much. Next time something goes wrong, try blaming someone else.'

'Everytime I look at another man he hits the ceiling.'

'Of course I'm confused, I keep dreaming I'm an insomniac.'

As an experienced counsellor, she could see that their relationship had been doomed from the start.

'Are you having a mid-life crisis?', 'Let's hope so.'