Therapist Gifts

"Lassie! Get help!!"

"Well, I think you're wonderful."

"Could we up the dosage? I still have feelings."

"They moved my bowl."

"You're too self-critical."

"There are no bad dogs. Only good dogs who make bad choices."

"And did that make you feel like a little bitch?"

'Whenever I walk in a room,everyone ignores me.'

"Have you ever tried buying lots of stuff?"

"Meow."

"He knows if you've been bad or good, but don't worry. Privacy rules prevent him from discussing individual cases or situations."

"Well, you heard wrong. I do not collect nuts. Look, I can't get into this with you right now ? I'm with a patient."

"With therapy, I've found I don't need it."

'First of all, calm down - your allowed to be on the couch.'

"No, a fear of snakes is not unusual, but in your case..."

"I do count my blessings, but then I end up counting those of others who have more and better blessings, and that pisses me off."

"Actually, these aren't bad times to be delusional."

When life gives you lemons...

'And if you ever did catch your tail, are you sure it would make you happy?'

"The thing is, you have to really want to change."

'I gotta go - we're discussing my compulsive communicatoins disorder.'

"I bark at everything. Can't go wrong that way."

"Behold the secret to happiness."

"And only you can hear this whistle?"

"Look, making you happy is out of the question, but I can give you a compelling narrative for your misery."

I didn't have a happy childhood, I was often misquoted.

"Who cares what little kids think? What's important is that you believe in yourself."

"I really want to thank you for these great telepsychiatry sessions, doctor. The format lends itself to easing my anxiety and feelings of inadequacy around others."

Cartooning for Psychopaths.

"And what do you think will happen if you do get on the couch?"

'I've been clean for six months now.'

"Looking good!"

'I see. So what you're saying is that you woke up this morning and your woman had done left you.'

'In the interest of full disclosure, I should inform you that I define an hour as 40 minutes.'

"Have you tried taking long walks?"