Theatre Critic Gifts

Midsummer Night's Dream

Mr Astley's Theatre

The Mousetrap 'I reviewed it as "Thoroughly unpleasant".'

'I see the critics say I need a new partner.'

"In a minor role, but giving a highly charged performance. . ."

Edmund Kean Supporting Drury Lane

The Garrick Theatre

'Is there a doctor of psychology in the house who can explain the deeper meaning of this play?'

'Mamma Mia, Les Mis, Leveson inquiry...'

West End Shows closing - box office piled high with boxes.

'Frankly, Yorick's big comedy comeback tour's a disappointment.'

'Mamma Mia, Les Mis, Iraq war inquiry...'

Doesn't know her cud from her udders! -Never read the reviews.

'I said, you're supposed to be in the underworld.'

Boring Theatre

'Do you know the pearl fishers?'

'Doesn't txt msg make it 38 languages and not 37?'

'I thought the stabbings would never start...'

The Barber of Tulsa, a regional opera that closed opening night.

Oedipus Rex

'Is there an audience in the house?'

'The evening was enjoyable until the curtain went up...'

'Just one criticism of you review of last night's opening play - you omitted to mention that the theatre burnt down while you were supposed to be there!'

"Well, his Major-General was pretty bad..."

"What did I think about the play? About an hour too long!"

"Brava!"

"Oh, oh - looks like you got a pretty bad review from that poodle who writes for the Globe."

"How was the play!"

"Don't worry - it's just a stage you're going through."

Sir Rupert Murgatroyd

"That's a pretty lame disappearing act dude!"

Theatre Sketches by Daummier - 'Mr. Colimard, if you continue to look at these dancers with your glasses in such an unseemly way, i shall take you home before the show is over'

"Of course it's depressing. It's supposed to be depressing. It's a tragedy."

"It was so depressing. When I go to the theatre, I want to be entertained."

"Oh, look. Tonight, the role of Doctor Lessac, normally played by some guy I never heard of, is being played by some other guy I never heard of."