Test-terror Veteran Gifts

"If there's an evacuation plan for tornadoes, why isn't there an evacuation plan for tests?"

"You're very interesting, for a civilian."

'This is the only part of my old Army uniform that still fits.'

Good Luck in your Exams.

'I had no idea there would be a test.'

"Maybe this isn't the right heartless monolithic corporation for you."

To-Let Town Centre Map

Don't you hate finding out that the kid you copied those test answers from is even dumber than you are.

'If she switches to essay tests none of us will ever be the same.'

What's in a Terrorist Name?

Weapons of Terrorism

"They say you are a great warrior."

"As a company, and as individuals, we are without irony. Will that bother you?"

"You could say I'm a war veteran. I'm a retired junior high teacher."

Stop the world. I want to get off again.

John Brennan

"He's a lobbyist for the defense industry."

'Now that we've eaten your resume, Mr. Dellingham, we'll ask you to step outside until we've had a chance to digest it.'

'I'm the oldest employee in the store...I've been here from Hi-Fi to Wifi.'

Whack Your Alarm Clock

'The good news is that you look good. The bad news is that you're not as good as you look.'

'Well, that's the gardening done - until the perishing things spring up again!'

Officer with many medals.

"You said it would behoove me to ask questions - so what does 'behoove' mean?"

'This one is for not targeting Richard Clarke on his book-signing tour.'

My Fluffy Rock in the Storm.

"After the Taliban captured Kabul, the immediately started the siege of Washington!"

"I could have been successful if I had mastered the standardized test."

'You are advised to allow ten minutes at the end for demanding a re-mark.'

I'm nervous about the PSATs. Chill. It's no big deal. I haven't studied for them. That's ok. Do a couple of practice tests, relax and get a good night's sleep. Says who? My math tutor, test prep coach and SAT summer study camp counselors. I'm sunk.

"School is a lot like life. It's hours and hours of boredom...interrupted by the occasional moment of panic."

'I got this one for being the one millionth patron at the burlesque bar.'

"And I would've gotten away with it, too, if it weren't for you meddling kids, and the bloodstains on my clothes and in the trunk of my car!"

'Congratulations, Phillip. you've managed to score somehow lower than chance.'

This Special Report on Cuts in U.S. Military Spending Comes Through A Grant From Vladimir Putin...