Test-terror Veteran Gifts

"If there's an evacuation plan for tornadoes, why isn't there an evacuation plan for tests?"

"You're very interesting, for a civilian."

'This is the only part of my old Army uniform that still fits.'

Good Luck in your Exams.

"Maybe this isn't the right heartless monolithic corporation for you."

To-Let Town Centre Map

Don't you hate finding out that the kid you copied those test answers from is even dumber than you are.

Weapons of Terrorism

'If she switches to essay tests none of us will ever be the same.'

"They say you are a great warrior."

"As a company, and as individuals, we are without irony. Will that bother you?"

"You could say I'm a war veteran. I'm a retired junior high teacher."

"He's a lobbyist for the defense industry."

John Brennan

Stop the world. I want to get off again.

'Now that we've eaten your resume, Mr. Dellingham, we'll ask you to step outside until we've had a chance to digest it.'

'I'm the oldest employee in the store...I've been here from Hi-Fi to Wifi.'

Whack Your Alarm Clock

'The good news is that you look good. The bad news is that you're not as good as you look.'

'Well, that's the gardening done - until the perishing things spring up again!'

"After the Taliban captured Kabul, the immediately started the siege of Washington!"

'This one is for not targeting Richard Clarke on his book-signing tour.'

Officer with many medals.

"You said it would behoove me to ask questions - so what does 'behoove' mean?"

My Fluffy Rock in the Storm.

"I could have been successful if I had mastered the standardized test."

'You are advised to allow ten minutes at the end for demanding a re-mark.'

"School is a lot like life. It's hours and hours of boredom...interrupted by the occasional moment of panic."

'I got this one for being the one millionth patron at the burlesque bar.'

'Congratulations, Phillip. you've managed to score somehow lower than chance.'

"And I would've gotten away with it, too, if it weren't for you meddling kids, and the bloodstains on my clothes and in the trunk of my car!"

'I can't copy your answers. The teacher installed a 'cheat cam' to monitor the students.'

This Special Report on Cuts in U.S. Military Spending Comes Through A Grant From Vladimir Putin...