Test Preppers Pillows

'This is Melanie - She's going to help me study for my sex education test.'

"Nervous about this morning's presentation?"

'I really crammed last night.'

'We're all out of flu vaccine - how about something for anxiety...?'

"For most people, the sense of panic will be mild."

Prospective hospital employee: 'I do sutures. Are there any openings?'

In addition to brilliant grades and perfect SATs � Parents' night. College admissions. Your child should excel at 3 sports and lead a school extra-curricular like the newspaper. Don't the arts count? Sure! If your child sings, for example � A part on 'Glee' or in the Metropolitan Opera would certainly help. Our kids are doomed.

"I'm long term unemployed because jerks like you won't hire me!"

Cheer up-things aren't so bad.....

"You have a killer resume, Phil, but unfortunately, we have all the dead wood we need right now."

"If the meeting goes on for longer than scheuled...I'm prepared!"

Your granddaughter is studying for SATs. Oh really? Ahem! What did you get on your practice tests? Drool.

S.O.S. vaccine

The 5 paragraph essay is sooo stupid. Why do we have to learn it? So you can get good SAT scores. That will get you into a good college, and then a good job. So you never have to write another 5-paragraph essay again.

'Relax. This is only a test.'

Holiday Gifts 2020

Energy Conservation Be Damned. Fred constantly prepared for Global Warming and Nuclear Winter to happen at the same time.

Disasters

The end is near - well, at least for the sandwich board guy.

"What, no day spa? And you call this a luxury bunker."

'You've got swine flu and I think it's begun to mutate.'

"Last question. Where do you see yourself thirty seconds from now?"

Judgment Day is coming next Monday. Repent. Now, hold on. How can I believe you when so many dire prophecies haven't come true? I sealed myself in a shelter twice in the late '60s, hid in the Appalachian Mountains a decade later. A huge bunching of Judgment Day visions in the late '80s led me to simply get a time share in the Colorado mountains … Getting out of town doesn't spare you Judgment Day. I don't think. Lemme double-check the clues in Marmaduke. Mostly I needed an excuse to get away. Th

I downloaded some SAT practice tests. I'll time you. Ok. Ready. "If Ann spends every day obsessing over stupid tests,

"I felt like 'data analyst' sounded better than 'good guesser'."

'How do you explain these terrible verbal SAT scores?'

Hiker Followed By Paramedic

"I told you they had a tough interview process here."

'University of Xylongatnyefxodyl - never heard of it!'

Trick or Treatment.

I figured out how these folks keep guaranteeing the precise day the world ends. Shhh. Keep it down. Why? It's a scam? If you read the read the fine print, they are promising that the world will begin to end that day. Could take forever. It's a no-lose scam … Shhh! What? It's scary when the world might end. There are a lot of people out there who need comforting. Women people, I presume. Women people, I presume. Who take comfort in necking. And you belittle their fears?

"Every time Trump wins a primary, we get one step closer."

When a nanosecond is forever.

"This isn't just about the wolf anymore, is it?"

Fair readers, please accept these personal tips for remaining healthy and germ free. Public service announcement! Keep your stress low. Exercise, eat right, hydrate and try to get a little affection in your life, if you get my meaning. If you use someone else's computer, wipe down the keyboard with alcohol to kill the germs. Ditto with the mouthpiece of a borrowed cellular phone. Don't touch anything or anyone. Bathe yourself in hand sanitizer. Don't leave the house, and if you do, don't inhale