Teppanyaki Pillows

“It's his first hibachi.”

'The following program is intended for beer bellied, sports crazed, couch potatoes!'

A slice of bread walks a tightrope between slots on the toaster.

Soup of the month.

"That's it. We’re toast."

Frozen Turkey: "I hate to bother you on a holiday but I'm freezing out here. Do you have a heated enclosed space I could rest inside for four to five hours?"

I love my Timpani

"....Oh, and the dog's eaten all the fridge magnets."

Too much cilantro

"When you've lost fifteen pounds...that's when the refrigerator gets returned!"

Hoodie Hang-out

"Incredible! Once again, you've made the perfect piece of toast."

Salt and Pepper

Bernie the Monday morning quarterback meets David the Monday morning linebacker.

The Perfect Foil

Romantic Graffiti

'...However, he is such a heck of a nice guy, we're going to give him the touchdown anyway.'

"Trump vs Biden. Chiefs vs 49ers. On the brink of war with Iran. Didn't we do this all in 2020?"

'Call 911! He watched 12 straight hours of football without training adequately.'

COVID Vaccine

"Save yourself — it’s a casserole!"

"Why don't I clang some utensils, make 3 grilled cheese sandwiches and we call it an early night?"

Pessimists v Optimists.

'And one and two and let change through and three and four and collapse on the floor.'

'What do lawyers really want, Mr. Montague?'

'Now what?!'

"I can skip my bath. On the way home I jumped in all the puddles."

"Remember—we're not Eagles fans or Patriots fans. We're Tom Brady Somehow Gets Humiliated fans."

'When Einstein wrote about time and relativity he must have been watching a football game where the last 30 seconds took two hours.'

Snowman Football Fan.

Football.

'..The wolves have got the sheep pinned against their own 1-yard line again!'

Punishment for the kicker.

Entertainment systems

'I hope it's fixed soon. I miss the convenience and friendly beep.'