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'The landlord's here, and he looks hungry!'

A tortoise running along the side of the road, panting.

'It's a boy. He's healthy and coming along fine, but he may be a little crnkt at birth owing to his claustrophobia. He will have feminine tendencies but is not actually gay. In fact, he'll eventually develop a taste for hard liquor and trashy women...'

"The Captain really, really hates losing at shuffleboard."

"Anything interesting happen over the weekend, Frank?"

"We've gone old fashioned and decided against finding out the sex of my obstetrician."

Don't Take No For an Answer

'Then, after a while, the pitter patter of tiny running shoes.'

"Wanna play 'Waitin’ on the Cable Guy'?"

Waiting to do the second coat was the worst part. It was like watching paint dry.

'Melvin, you're trying my patience.'

'Hang on. Let's not get ahead of ourselves. Apparently that's not a good idea.'

Snail crossing

"Let's split up the jobs for taking care of the baby. I'll take care of what goes in to him. . . you take care of what goes out!"

Ringtones Kids Can't Hear.

"Adulits don't understand goo-goo-gah-gah. Dumb it down to WHAAAAAAAH!"

"Actually, he's developing at an absolutely normal rate for his age..!"

'We want to be ready for when he starts to read.'

"Well, I admire your resilience."

"I have a high tolerance for tedium."

Parson wishing to seem as though he is not drinking

"Andy plays perfectly well with others - it's others who don't play well with Andy."

Fishing Arizona- waiting for a flash flood

'I believe you want some fencing done at the bottom of your garden?'

Salmon swimming up-stream, "Don't you get tired of overcoming obstacles"

"How would you describe your attitude to risk?"

Second, third and fourth effort!

Next On The Agenda

When Jensen's job moved offshore, he decided to follow it...

He's listened to 'Mull of Kintyre' eleven times and he's still holding.

"I am Baldonator, the meanest fighter around! No one dares mess with me."

'You're crazy! I'm 10 times cuter that you ever thought of being!'