Television Critique Fan Gifts

"It's my personal, one step recipe for success. Step 1: Gimme all your money."

'This has the makings of their toughest season ever.'

Difference of Opinion

American Idle.

Man: 'How cute. He must like the movement.' Cat: 'There are some challenging themes here but little or no dramatic resonance.'

"I always forget what an expert I am in curling."

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"It lost a little something in translation."

"Britain's Got Talent is now in its tenth astonishingly brilliant year!"

'What does it say, Dad?'

'Everything is illusory? -- Even reality shows?'

Can't Touch This

"I mean the Saturday Night Live president, not the lousy one."

"Son, the world is full of disappointments. About 7.7 billion of them."

'It's not much of a soap opera with just that Adam guy.'

"I like it but does it get only the one channel?"

"Stand up, honey. The president's on. You're committing treason."

'Now time for a coffee while hubby cleans up the mess.'

Christmas TV...

'It's not as impressive as it looks. He only watches fishing shows.'

'Of course, I'm not one of those glamorous paleontologists who are all over TV these days.'

Can't Touch This

"The keep saying unrestored and what a nice PATINA, Ted. A better-sounding word for old tarnished stuff would be SCRINCH or SKRITCH, don't you think, eh, Ted?"

'Every TV show seems to have a lucrative phone-in competition these days.'

'Do you want to watch the weather/natural disaster channel, the nuclear proliferation channel, or the gun violence/Kennedy assassination channel?'

'What a strange episode -- they just voted Ricardo Montalban off the island!'

A slow Day on the Rolling News Channel

Meet John Henderson. - The only journalist NOT to have interviewed serial killers in prison...

"Ancient Aztec shaman-kings predicted a coming together of all the cultures of the world, creating a new enlightenment for human beings."

'I thought this was a documentary about animal cruelty.'

"You don't have to answer that."

"I suppose we have Judge Judy to thank for all this."

Diana Inquest - 'It's time to move on, and start making a TV mini-series of her life.'

'Well, kids -- I guess it all started to fall apart when they canceled 'Seinfeld'....'

'I'm a has-been celebrity - get me in there!'