Tech Frustration Fighter Gifts

'If you want to pay your bill, press one. If you want to discuss your bill, press two. If you're frustrated because you can't just talk to a living, breathing, human being, press three.'

Pounding speeds up the computer.

Abandoning the computer for a typewriter.

"The problem with these instructions is that they assume I have the attention span to actually read something."

"Tech-support has confirmed it. Screaming and hitting the computer won't solve the problem. You'll have to try something else."

"This next one is a typical blues number about exceeding your data plan limit, cracking your ipad screen, and losing your new ear buds."

Tangled Earphones Support Group.

"Hey! Get back here!"

"A watched file never loads..."

"After giving them the runaround for five minutes, pass them on to anger management."

"If you're so worried about the effect of your mobile phone on your sperm count maybe you should just use it less!"

STRIP Hambone: "System been down long?"

'He spent yesterday being briefed on the threats from a cyber attack...'

"Judging by all the hair you've pulled out of your head, I must be hard to teach technology to than I thought."

"I miss the old days."

Patience Tested While You Wait.

"I'm sorry to trouble you yet again with internet issues."

"Yes, I know what's going on in the world. That's still no excuse for my Internet being down all day."

'Couldn't you just leave that here until we're sure the new system works?'

Self Checkout

In case of computer breakdown break glass

'Are you sure that hitting it with a baseball bat will work?'

'I'm worried, the software that can replace me is becoming more affordable.'

I hate blind carbon copies when the computers are down.

"They call it the Cloud. No wonder I Can't find anything in it."

'I know the computer's slow, but this really isn't a better way to enter data.'

"My computer crashed. . . to the ground when I got frustrated and threw it out the window."

"These kid computer games are so hard to learn that I've decided to skip my second childhood."

Struggling with unwilling computers.

We know your e-mail address!

"Have you tried doing the thing you just told me you tried?"

"Are you still waiting for that site to load?"

'What's this bank charge of £35?'

The smartphone app learning curve

"If you are angry at being kept on hold, press 1, if you are furious press 2, if you are apoplectic with rage ..."