Tearful Entertainer Gifts

'As I feared, the X-ray shows that you are crying inside.'

Dinner at the Trapdoors

A rabbit giving another rabbit, 'rabbit ears'.

OFA. Onion Farmer of the Year. I told myself I wasn't going to cry ….

'Silly me, I brought the wrong book -- You two just swore an oath of celibacy.'

"I'm going to run away and join the circus. Not one of those big, tacky ones—something more European and intimate."

"In closing, I'd just like to say you've been a great crowd, folks. Don't forget to tip your waitress, and I hope this final number breaks your heart the way show business broke mine."

"Let there be light hors d'oeuvres."

"If he doesn't like the hand puppet routine, I'll try running the burning bush idea by him."

Pottery Slam

"Son, I've asked Mr. Puffer to instruct you on the finer points of classical as your new tooter."

Thanksgiving Turkey Fortune: "Why the silence?"

Ed's super-romantic but he's always a police detective. He calls our love 'consensual identity theft.'

'You need to slow down - use more color.'

'Honey, I think it's cute that grumpy sings along with universal idols.'

"No, there's nothing wrong. I just took a shortcut through the onions."

'Regardez - even le grand Escoffier cries quand il slices les onions.'

"We outsourced our joyless TV dinners to a delightful couple from next door."

Mime artist - "Ok! I'll talk!"

The Imperfect Hostess

Sad Songs.

'Was it an Indian elephant or an African elephant?'

"I'm detecting no heart at all...which explains your dislike of cute puppy videos."

Robert Mitchum

"Pick any number between one and sixty seconds."

Ventriloquist and his dummy both on mobile phones.

You've reached Randy, the Dating Doctor. What ails you? I'm friends with this girl … She's all I can think about. I treat her way better than the guys she dates, but she doesn't even know I'm alive. Of course she knows you're alive. You're the potted houseplant in the corner of her life. Do you understand what I'm telling you? That it's only a matter of time til it's my turn? You're more like a Venus Flytrap.

Sad Humour

"No, you can't go back for your sports magazine's swimsuit issue."

"Stop, you'll make me cry."

''Larry this' and 'Larry that'. . . And no one has anything nice to say about the hole.'