Tasty Abstainer T-Shirts

"Here's the deal. If it tastes good, don't eat it."

'The Ailing Matisse tries cutting out meat and dairy products.'

'Alice are you dating me only because you don't feel like cooking?'

'No thanks; can't handle caffeine, nicotine, alcohol, or number six birdshot.'

Buffet - now glutton free.

"I quit worrying. I've gone 100% non-non and completely free-free."

"Sometimes, you will be asked to go days without Netflix."

"I graduated summa cum laude caffeine-free, I'll have you know."

'I hope you like it. I call it refrigerator cleanout casserole.'

'Pub drinking games with bottled water may be sensible, but they're bloody boring.'

Hugh Fearnley-Whittingstall

"I'm a meat and potatoes guy in a kale and tofu world."

'Sorry to keep asking, but are you sure you prepared mine separately?'

Apples and oranges

The EU rolls back US wine imperialism. Chateau Postmoderne has undertones of angst, fragmentation and self-doubt, mixed with an intriguing gout de desespoir.

'Nothing against you - I just don't like the taste of rabbit.'

'...Forbidden foods are only allowed when cheating...'

'Don't just gulp it down like that! Smell the bouquet, savour the flavour on your palate!'

'And a hint of oak.'

injured skier says medicinal brandy is bad

'I tried jogging once, but it frothed up my beer.'

"Honestly, it felt like Dry January was never going to end."

"This is the best news I've read in a long time."

'If it tastes good, spit it out!'

'Well, if you're off wine and women, how the hell did you get in this state?'

'Let's have a secret wedding - all my friends think I have better taste!'