Sympathy Snickerer Pillows

Instead of feeling sorry for yourself. . .feel sorry for those who have to work with you!

"I didn't come all this way to do work."

The theory that ‘Time is Relative' came to the professor during a Decelerated Math Class.

"That's the preacher's dog."

'When my business turned into a lemon, I made lemonade....but that also failed when nobody liked its taste'

"I enjoy the one day of the school year...that I didn't forget to do my homework."

Milton wonders if it would be possible to substitute scotch and sex for tea and sympathy.

'I hate to tell you... it's not 'amber waves of gain'.'

'Geoffrey's Tourette's is acting up.'

"That's right, Robert. Santa sends us a copy of his naughty and nice list, and we send him our students' grades."

Under zealous: ZZZZZZ!

"Won't your boss miss you?"

Theory of Gravity

"Merry Christmas. You Cheerful, Chirpring, Cheeping, Tweeting, Tw*ttering, Twittering Tw*t!"

'But who comforts the comfort food? I'll tell you who: NOBODY.'

The final proof that they were closer to humans than we ever thought.

'My hay fever is really acting up.'

"Oh, very well - make that life with the possibility of parole."

"I'm sorry your head hurts, sweetie - is there anything I can do to make you shut up about it?"

Sympathy Cards

'This is quite common. You've eaten so many sausages that you've turned into one.'

"Stop doggin' it!"

Type A Flu.

'You are 14st 3lb..But then, you are carrying the weight of the world on your shoulders.'

'Your father's been really getting under my feet.'

"Don't get your hopes up, Buster."

Achooo

An elephant sneezes all over its trainer - 'Gesundheit...!'

'I know but I have to consider him irreplaceable until I figure out what he does around here.'

'You wanted to see me when I woke up?'

"I need a card that's heavy on caring but light on commitment."

"Why can't you enjoy christmas like everyone else."

'Is this guy serious?'