Sympathy Snickerer Pillows

Instead of feeling sorry for yourself. . .feel sorry for those who have to work with you!

The theory that ‘Time is Relative' came to the professor during a Decelerated Math Class.

"I didn't come all this way to do work."

'When my business turned into a lemon, I made lemonade....but that also failed when nobody liked its taste'

"That's the preacher's dog."

"I enjoy the one day of the school year...that I didn't forget to do my homework."

Milton wonders if it would be possible to substitute scotch and sex for tea and sympathy.

'Geoffrey's Tourette's is acting up.'

'I hate to tell you... it's not 'amber waves of gain'.'

"That's right, Robert. Santa sends us a copy of his naughty and nice list, and we send him our students' grades."

Hot flashes

Theory of Gravity

"Won't your boss miss you?"

Under zealous: ZZZZZZ!

"Merry Christmas. You Cheerful, Chirpring, Cheeping, Tweeting, Tw*ttering, Twittering Tw*t!"

'But who comforts the comfort food? I'll tell you who: NOBODY.'

"It has a nice soft shoulder. You said you needed one to cry on, didn't you?"

The final proof that they were closer to humans than we ever thought.

'My hay fever is really acting up.'

Type A Flu.

Sympathy Cards

"Stop doggin' it!"

"Oh, very well - make that life with the possibility of parole."

"I'm sorry your head hurts, sweetie - is there anything I can do to make you shut up about it?"

'You are 14st 3lb..But then, you are carrying the weight of the world on your shoulders.'

'This is quite common. You've eaten so many sausages that you've turned into one.'

"Don't get your hopes up, Buster."

Achooo

An elephant sneezes all over its trainer - 'Gesundheit...!'

'Your father's been really getting under my feet.'

'I know but I have to consider him irreplaceable until I figure out what he does around here.'

'You wanted to see me when I woke up?'

"I need a card that's heavy on caring but light on commitment."

"You're a disaster Jones, you've only been here a week and you're already a month behind with work."

'Is this guy serious?'