Senior Snickerer Pillows

'Your father's been really getting under my feet.'

"OK. . .stain, aspirin, water tablet, B12 vitamin, and whisky."

"I used to drink to forget. Now, age-related, short-term memory loss takes care of that for me."

"That's the preacher's dog."

'When my business turned into a lemon, I made lemonade....but that also failed when nobody liked its taste'

'Of course I want a short back and sides. I've only got a back and sides.'

Adam and Eve, as old people.

A senior moment.

David Blaine, Age 60

"Our house must be haunted. When I look in the mirror an old geezer-goat stands in front of me so I can't see myself."

'I hate to tell you... it's not 'amber waves of gain'.'

"That's right, Robert. Santa sends us a copy of his naughty and nice list, and we send him our students' grades."

Theory of Gravity

'Face it dear, we are as old as we look!'

The final proof that they were closer to humans than we ever thought.

'I need a low dose of Viagra please doctor. . .I just want it to stick out far enough so I don't wee on my shoes.'

Instead of feeling sorry for yourself. . .feel sorry for those who have to work with you!

"Show-off!"

"Oh, very well - make that life with the possibility of parole."

"This is not the sleeping beauty I paid good money to see!"

"She's definitely less plumpy."

'This is quite common. You've eaten so many sausages that you've turned into one.'

False teeth duel.

"This is not exactly how I envisioned watching the grass grow in my retirement."

"I used to live each dray to the fullest. Now I'm satisfied with every other Tuesday."

"To avoid stress in the future, tell me what gifts you would like for the next ten Christmases!"

'Is this guy serious?'

'Did we ever hit menopause?'

Old husband is knitted over by old wife.

"My wife took up walkin' a mile a day five years ago. Haven't seen her since!" "Lucky son of a..."

Hey! I just figured out what I want to do with my life!

"One of those 'damn' foreigners will be along soon to carry out your prostate examination!"

Things you say when you are officially old...