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'Horsemeat in pies, eh, sir, who can you trust nowadays?'

'Do you think that's wise?'

"I love this time of day."

Comedian faces audience of clowns: 'Ooh, tough crowd.'

'You know things are screwed up when people take late-night comedians seriously and politicians as a joke.'

'I'm full of stuffing so I'll have the potatoes.'

"Mrs. Barnes is to have a complete head-to-toe – she's to be the victim in a bandage-instruction class."

Jack in the Box Reading Joke Book.

Romulus (left) and Remus

"Where are all the hecklers? I have some great rejoinders."

'Bearnaise sauce again,' he cried. 'I can't bear the thought of it!'

'But seriously, folks... Who knows how many blondes it takes to screw in my latest invention?'

Another unconfirmed Loch Ness Monster sighting...

Tea and Sugar Rationing

'-and what makes YOU so sure my missus is waiting up for me?'

'According to the breathalyser, you're 50,000 glasses of sherry over the legal limit.'

Stage Fright

'And a second degree in Australian studies.'

"Take me to David Bowie."

"Knock! Knock! Who's there? What, seriously? You mean you haven't installed personal security cameras?"

"The one on the left is Mary-Kate, the one on the right is Ashely. Beware them both."

'There were long delays on the M4 this week after a pig trailer overturned.' - 'The police arrived on the scene quickly.' - 'Observers wryly noted that there were 'Pigs running all over the road.''

'As the actor said to the female bishop.'

'Any chance of making this a 'catch and release', officer?'

"Well, then why don't the British just borrow Major Eliot from the Herald Tribune."

'My gosh...It's like looking in the mirror.'

"He makes it look so easy."

"Son, I think it's about time we had the TED Talk."

Twins

'Make it a quadruple.'

Jack Black