Sweeney Todd Aficionado Pillows

'Horsemeat in pies, eh, sir, who can you trust nowadays?'

'Do you think that's wise?'

"I love this time of day."

Comedian faces audience of clowns: 'Ooh, tough crowd.'

'I'm full of stuffing so I'll have the potatoes.'

'You know things are screwed up when people take late-night comedians seriously and politicians as a joke.'

The Walking TED Talk.

'Well, kids -- I guess it all started to fall apart when they canceled 'Seinfeld'....'

"Mrs. Barnes is to have a complete head-to-toe – she's to be the victim in a bandage-instruction class."

Jack in the Box Reading Joke Book.

Romulus (left) and Remus

"Any kids here tonight? Oh, wait... I guess not...since I didn't see any on the menu."

'-and what makes YOU so sure my missus is waiting up for me?'

'Bearnaise sauce again,' he cried. 'I can't bear the thought of it!'

'But seriously, folks... Who knows how many blondes it takes to screw in my latest invention?'

Another unconfirmed Loch Ness Monster sighting...

"Where are all the hecklers? I have some great rejoinders."

Tea and Sugar Rationing

'According to the breathalyser, you're 50,000 glasses of sherry over the legal limit.'

'Any chance of making this a 'catch and release', officer?'

Stage Fright

"The one on the left is Mary-Kate, the one on the right is Ashely. Beware them both."

'And a second degree in Australian studies.'

"Take me to David Bowie."

'There were long delays on the M4 this week after a pig trailer overturned.' - 'The police arrived on the scene quickly.' - 'Observers wryly noted that there were 'Pigs running all over the road.''

"Knock! Knock! Who's there? What, seriously? You mean you haven't installed personal security cameras?"

'As the actor said to the female bishop.'

"Well, then why don't the British just borrow Major Eliot from the Herald Tribune."

'My gosh...It's like looking in the mirror.'

"He makes it look so easy."

"Son, I think it's about time we had the TED Talk."

Stand Up Vacuums

'Make it a quadruple.'

'I'm bringing it into the pit! The DVD player conked out in the middle of 'Little Miss Sunshine'.'

Jack Black