Sweat Stopper Gifts

Locker room: the scent.

Sam's Gym. My problem is I can't get the body I want with the body I've got!

Nervous Oral Testing

'I love the mountains and all, but I simply can't do this....I'm just too chicken.'

'Filby, we've decided to accept your suggestion for air conditioning!'

Don't put your daughter on the stage Mrs Worthington.

"These door hinges squeak."

'Your performance review is next Tuesday. You're allowed to bring a guitar and up to three backup singers.'

'Here's my mother's number in case I don't make it.'

"Can I borrow your cage cover? Ed's really snoring tonight."

It wasn't easy, but we finally plugged the hole.

"Tonight's performance has been canceled, because the star of our show has decided that musicals are stupid."

Weightlifting.

"your wife insisted we do what we had to do to stop your snoring. And, since she really is rather scary, we were left with no other choice but to remove your face."

Gym. I'm not sweating --- My muscles are crying!

Forget about the college basketball tourney, endless drilling in 100-degree summer heat is the real "march madness."

'Looks like the work of the infamous international frequent flyer burglar - Better dust for carbon finger prints!'

"This new adjustable mattress really does stop your snoring!"

Policeman painting vandals with 'anti-vandal paint' instead of painting the walls.

Sir, bad news. I don't like getting bad news. A new radio program called Ask Sadie is getting huge ratings. Do I own it? That's the bad news. I see. Time to buy Ask Sadie. Queue sinister music. Can you guess?

'If it weren't for baseball, this whole thing could have ended much differently.'

'Best save I've ever seen.'

Suspicious Person Ban.

"Wake up Jeff. You're snoring again!"

Sign on the door of an Allergy Ward in a hospital says: NO scratch and sniff get well cards

Gps to advise on 'lifestyle' issues

"....and I said, 'as a matter of fact, I DO have a bowling ball in my bag'."

'You've got to cure my snoring, Doc! -- I'm afraid I'll lose my job with the Government!'

"Will you please stop that incessant breathing!"

"The stock market went up 120 points, not your blood pressure."

"People are always discriminating against my dad. At work, people say, 'clean up that spill' and 'get under the sink.'"

Members of the city and state police, the federal prosecutor's office and an undercover agent pose behind a recently-seized, uncut ounce of prevention (street value: $500,000).

'Didn't your doctor tell you that you're not supposed to light the nicotine patches?'

'Just your credit cards. I don't feel safe carrying cash these days.'

"They still had so much TV ahead of them."