Surrogacy Ponderer Pillows

"I'm your surrogate mother, son. I just provided the oven."

"Great! I must be growing. The womb was less than half full last week."

"No wonder babies are born screaming. I haven't had a wink of sleep since the exit light came on!"

"Darling, I think we need to talk about where this relationship is going..." Male evolution.

Waiting for Pants

"I hear you may do a baby."

"You got the dolls yesterday? My mom says I took nine months!"

Uterus: One size fits all.

"I never had to choose between a baby and a career—I'm a surrogate mother."

"She signed a prenup promising not to eat me and then ate the lawyer."

"I can only give you country walks in springtime and a hand to hold when leaves begin to fall. It's in the prenuptial agreement. Check it out."

'I've had some strange cravings during my pregnancy. Such as the one to strangle my husband.'

"Oh no, Doris. . . not implants!"

Happy Mothers Day

"We're taking separate vacations this year."

'I want to thank my biological and surrogate Mother, my two Dads.. .'

'So, the Father is a native of Easter Island?'

'I guess I wasn't thinking. I bought a return ticket.'

Ask Sadie. Dear Sadie, I am a 24-year-old man. The woman I am about to marry is having second thoughts because she believes that we are too young. What do you think? - Jacob. Actual reader letter. Great question. When is the right time to marry? Randy, our commitment expert, would you like to handle this one? Jacob, really, what were you expecting?! Medic! Randy's not moving.

Six months later they would be sharing the Nobel Prize, but for now all they could do was stare in amazement at what they had discovered...two incredibly well preserved specimens from the styrofoam age.'

"They're expecting their first baby by surrogate mother!"

'What sort of silly planning is this?...I've got fingernails but no teeth to chew them with.'

A tree falls in a forest and no one is there to hear it.

Assisted pregnancy for same sex couples

A baby marks time on the walls of the uterus.

"My wife's going through a difficult pregnancy."

'Who are you?' 'Your wife for 57 years back from plastic surgery!'

'Oh darling, I want to spend the rest of my life with you! But please do not impute or infer any intentions from that comment.'

Woman discovers she is pregnant, and wonders if peeing on her lottery ticket will give her the same good luck.

"You're pregnant? Are you sure it's yours?"

'Beats me why I took this place. No en-suite, no walk-in robe and no dining room!'

'The way he kicked me before birth, I knew I was destined to be a soccer mom.'

'Doctor, I just can't seem to relate to my prenup anymore.'

'Still saving money to finish that nose job eh?'

'Mom, it's doing it again'