Substitute Superstar T-Shirts

Substitute Teachers: 'Ms Henson, you're going in for Ms Bleckmore.'

My coach wants me to go to soccer camp. Focusing on one sport isn't good for you. But mom! I'll develop crucial life skills. Let's see. "Landing endorsements, agents and college sports scholarships." The definition of "crucial".

"It appears that you'll definitely outlive your usefulness."

Happy Surrogate Thanksgiving

'It's not easy being fabulous and caretaking.'

"What do you want to be when you blow up?"

"I don't bake, I don't cook, but I make one kick-ass vinaigrette."

'Apparently it's part of the evolutionary process!'

Your granddaughter is studying for SATs. Oh really? Ahem! What did you get on your practice tests? Drool.

Danae's Celebrity Career: 'Don't you know who I am?...I've decided to pursue a career as a celebrity, so I'm developing the basic language skills used in the industry.'

"If there is no more American Idol what am I going to do to become famous?"

Open Mike for the spotlight operators

"Remember, junior, in America anyone can aspire to become the most powerful person in government - the special prosecutor!"

Brownie Points

'Your standardized test scores are impressive, but we have no standardized jobs.'

Later accounts would call it the Greatest Water Battle of All Time,

I'm not worried about the economy. Me either! It's not like I'm going into banking, car manufacturing, or real estate. Totally! We'll still make the big bucks. May I ask doing what? Movie actress. Rock star. When you move to L.A., I'm not converting your bedroom.

"I like you kid, but you're really just a work in progress!"

"Howard, you've met my ukulele ladies before."

Need money for lessons

'I don't care what your mother always told you. The way to this man's heart isn't through his stomach!'

Your brother's threatening to be a fat cat banker. Barf! I will do something socially useful with my life! That's my girl! When I'm a famous actress, I'll talk forcefully to "Entertainment Tonight" about my vegetarian diet! Maybe we should have had more children. Or non.

School children looking at different careers from magazine covers, each involving celebrity status.

'Getting old isn't so bad when you consider the only other alternative. . .'

Dog gets financial advice.

'I strongly recommend a surgeon who can putt over one who hits the long drive.'

"Hey! Who's this little guy?"

'Now don't be deceived; I'm making this look very easy.'

JOIN THE BOY SCOUTS HERE!, ''Trustworthy, friendly, loyal, helpful, kind, courteous, brave, thrifty, obedient and cheerful' -- This is going to look GREAT on my resume!'

I'll trade you a gluten-Free Sandwich for lactose-free milk.

"I'm your doctor, and I'll be here every minute, but while I'm filling out all these forms, Dr.Barlow will do the actual operation."

Can't afford to pay my backup singers.

'Listen Jimmy, as a member of the School Swimming Squad, you're not taking your training seriously enough!'

Elf tries to find quick replacement for Rudolf.

'I'm a substitute but I don't believe Mrs. Carlson lets you watch TV all day.'