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Elf tries to find quick replacement for Rudolf.

'Dogs are so silly: Just throw a ball or a stick and they'll chase it and bring it back!'

"You have to believe what you're doing will lead to something valuable, even though it probably won't."

'Don't bite. They're trolling again.'

"I just wish the Earth was as beautiful to live on as it is to look at... It's right behind me, isn't it?"

'Tell your boss we represent an independent watchdog committee.'

World Cup Fever

"Of course, the actual honey is all made overseas."

The Family Joules: Part 3

"OK, well, if you do hear anything, be sure to give us a call."

Honestly, I don't know why I even bring Harold to parties.

"Paper or plastic?"

"Well, we can kiss being free-range goodbye."

"So, colony collapse disorder - how funny is it?"

"Make it look like an accident"

'Actually, we don't like the term 'cannibal', we prefer to be called 'homovores'.'

"Religion, politics, sex...in this part of the world every cartoonist is free to draw whatever he wants!"

'Your Majesty, the peasants are out of bread', 'Then let them eat low-carb stuff,'

Man asking what is a stall at the opera

Evolution in the Era of the Selfie

'The gypper was up to his genua in testoons.'

'You're free to go. Another suspect matching the description of having big ears and a trunk has just been arrested for the circus stampede.'

How can you read that comic strip Blondie? Its about a kinder, simpler time. It's about ancient history. They do the same material over and over. Exactly. I can count on it. Not like your stupid Pearls and Get fuzzy. Oooh, look how angry and edgy they are. They're sooo clever! Your whole gig is being angry and edgy. Look, I'm setting Candorville on fire.

If it's any consolation, you burned the bejeezus out of his finger.

"I'm sorry, sir, but a blade's a blade."

'To hell with the rules.'

"True, I'm from pest control...but we don't eliminate internet trolls."

EU money addiction

'I'm being released on Blu-ray.'

Jeb Can Ficks It

"See, it's right here in the pre-nup, Louise; if you walk out, I get two week severance sex."

Has A Hole In It Venn Diagram

'$600 may be a lot for a pair of boots, but this was the best purchase of my life.'

'Hey, don't blame me, blame PETA!'

Beggars' sign - 'Firmly believed my own financial newsletter'.