Stranded Comedian Gifts

'Maybe it should be funnier...'

"See that stain? My wife did that, not me. All her, totally her fault."

"I said, 'You must be waiting for 'Mr. Right,' too.'"

'George! This way quick!'

'My phone number, Social Security number and Zip Code, just to buy gum? They didn't ask me that many questions when I joined the army.'

Happy Brithday

"I've always wanted to do this - 'knock, knock...who's there?'"

"I #*#*#* hate gardening, I'd much rather be at work!!"

'You said to come back once I got my act together.'

'Sunday in the park'

'Hello, this is your captain speaking... I'm on the next flight!'

Things to do while you're stuck at home during the coronavirus crisis."

'I'm afraid your conditions shows no improvement over last time, Mr. Ferguson -- you must still be doing enjoyable things.'

'This has been quite a year for Washington, D. C.... worst snowstorm in history AND the worst snow job!'

Monet At Open Mic Night

"And, in this corner, weighing five pounds more than she'd like..."

'Prior to serving as a network political policy analyst...our next speaker was a standup comic.'

Stay at Home Yellowstone.

'Can you dance?'

Ye Olde FIgure-Drawing Classe

"That wasn't very nurturing of you."

"So how long will it take to grow?"

'We were getting along fine and then she wanted me to get a job.'

'Let's see your A.A.R.P. card, buddy.'

'I'm not asking you to lie - I'm just asking you to go insane.'

"I'm hoping that once we enter the Bronze Age I'll be able to get a better likeness of you."

"Do you always have to over pack, Alice!"

"You're right- things are funnier in threes."

"My wife doesn't understand me, but her mother sure has my number."

'Dear diary, went to the beach again today.'

"Why don't you take up a sport,son-like long distance running-away from home...?"

"Right now, I'm walking the dog."

Pandemic Pitfall!

'All these years and I still have rock hard abs.'