Straight Talk Admirer T-Shirts

"Give it to me straight, Doc – my mother’s driving you nuts, right?"

TV jester.

"....And what's the deal with fetch? You want the stick or don't you? Make up your mind already!"

"I like you because you have absolutely no agenda."

Hairstyles

Opening arguments would begin after the intimidation round.

"He's such a gentleman, he didn't use a 'mating call' to attract me: he's developed a 'please join me on a date' call..."

Vote For Me!

'It's a whole new twist - a straight-laced detective who does everything by the book.'

"Let's just do the top layer."

"You think you're brave? I read Hebrew in front of a live audience."

Augmented reality check

That's a shame. What's a shame? Did I do something wrong, officer? TSA. Yes, you did. You let your boyfriend turn you down. So what if he's 15,000 miles away in Russia? If I were your man, I'd never let that stop me. I would fly to the ends of the earth for you. This routing ever work for you? Good lord this routine must work for you.

"And, of course, I want to thank all the little people!"

'I heard you mom is really strict.'

"Which one of you is Mr. Wakefield?"

'Eleven foot poles - For things you wouldn't touch with a ten foot pole...'

"Wow! Why do you have no tattoos?"

"Yeah, I tried beaver once too, but I didn't like the woody after-taste..."

'New plant? New hairdo?'

Comic Relief

"Excuse me, where did you get those sandals?"

Urinanalyst.

What're you doing? Shush. My homework. I'm studying Sean Hannity transcripts. I've got to understand how he can get so angry all the time. Every sentence is a brutal attack. It's awesome. Listening to his disgust is like listening to Mozart or Dylan. It's so pure. So right. Where to begin with what's wrong here. I'd love to hear Dylan sing a Hannity medley.

"The Americans and North-Korean leader then went on to admire each other's hairstyles."

A Bad Time for John Thomas.

Tattoos & Super Powers Removed

"How many times must I tell you not to speak metaphorically?"

Comedians: Before and after political corectness.

How's My Walking?

Joe Biden

'I'm looking for marriage and kids. Hi, what's your name?'

Man reads a man's tattoos instead of his newspaper.

"Now that is one big ass hat."

"The birds and the bees? I'd rather learn about sex."