Storyline Analyst T-Shirts

"Is there no escape from escapism?"

"Regarding the plot of your novel ... what on earth were you thinking?"

"I remember when the death of the hero meant the end of the sequels. Now it marks the beginning of the prequels."

'Sue didn't watch soap operas all the time. She also reads books'

Tonight 'Richard III' a new play by William Shakespeare.

"Agenda item 14 C, does anyone have any idea what happened in Game of Thrones?"

He dies at the end. There, I've spoiled every story ever written. Whether it's a person, a quest, ennui, a dream, a struggle, hope, despair, innocence, cynicism, a romance, a friendship, or an estrangement

Soap Opera

Johnny Depp

'As I see it, Pinocchio was motivated by a need to prove himself while both hansel and Gretel were driven by an inborn rebelliousness.'

'She said to read between the lines to infer the answer, but it's hard to see in between them because they're so close together.'

The movie was over. But not for Bob.

Mirror tells wicked queen from Snow White: 'If you do not wish to know the truth, please look away now.'

"I love my unreliable narrator. You?"

Book Shop: The great American Novel and The great American tweet.

You've got to stop getting all your history from Youtube and Netflix. Why? Because those are videos. People who make videos are making entertainment. It it's entertaining that means someone's constructed story. If it's a story, that means they left out or twisted whatever doesn't logically fit their narrative as told from one point of view. Accurate history would be completely illogical. Oliver Stone would disagree.

The Three Passive/Aggressive, Co-Enabling, Chemically-Dependent Billy Goats Gruff

You're on the "Ask Sadie" show. What's your problem?! I just found out "Empire" and "Star" are in the same universe. For months I've been telling everyone I knew that "Star" was a blatant ripoff of "Empire." But then I found out they're made by the same people and they're in the same tv universe, and I'm like totally fine with it now. Stop it! We speak "English" on this show, not "tv addict"! Wait a minute ... are we talking about soap operas? Because there's an exception for soap operas. No, we

'And do you, Cathie, promise to advance Ed's narrative?'

'Once upon a time there were some me with big sticks, and these men, they said to everyone else...'

"Dial M for MacGuffin."

"Brick, Eh? Well, sorry to blow your house down but these days it's not wise to be so invested in stability."

I'm so confused about Star Wars. Anakin Skywalker was good, then he turned into evil Darth Vader. It's just a movie, Timmy. It's important to remember that. Oh. What about Governor Cuomo. The dark side is powerful.

"Clever plot, but who can concentrate without some gratuitous sex and violence?"

Did we end last week with an awesome, startling cliffhanger, or what? I mean, there you dear reader were, thinking what incredible revelation is forthcoming? How could you hint that Sadie Cohen, resident irascible octogenarian, has a dark secret, and then just break for the weekend? And yet … despite the fact that we esteemed and handsome cartoonists taunted you with such a remarkable tease, such a breakthrough narrative moment, we have not been inundated with cards and letters begging for the t

"Most opera plots could be averted by some decent therapy."

Youtube reviews make me feel old, Randy. Well … they're always full of whining, nitpicky, smug people complaining that the film or tv show wasn’t easy enough to follow. Reviewers complain that characters actions "don't make sense," as if they unaware that people often don't make sense. Or that a scene wasn't "necessary," as if establishing character doesn't matter. They complain that the plot was "confused," but when I was growing up, that just meant the viewer wasn't paying enough attention. It

'Is this one of those deals where the names have been changed to protect the innocent?'

"Oh, c'mon. I wasn't that terrible!"

'Not really interested in the meaning of life. I want to know what's going to happen on my soaps?'

"I've been thinking about your bedtime story, and something doesn't make sense."

God's editor prepares for a tough convo

'Due to scheduling conflicts, the Today show will be seen tomorrow....'

"You remember the ex-husband in chapter one who caused her to reassess her whole life and seek a spiritual awakening? That was me."

A Book Review of the Phone Book: A hefty paperback with too many characters and not enough plot development. Next week, we'll review a more complex work--your phone bill.