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'FOCUS, people, FOCUS!'

"Slow down. This stuff is gold, I’m tellin’ ya! Gold!"

". . . and then, sadly, just before the divorce, my husband's part of the house burned to the ground."

"Can we take a selfie for my Instagram story?"

Wanna talk about it?

First Time

'I'd better not go into details. I've already told you more than I was told myself.'

'So tell me more about your mother...'

'...And right when I was about to graduate from high school, my pencil broke!'

'Normally I don't mind regifting but on occasion you get back the same hideous thing you tried to get rid of.'

'You should've been here last night -- a priest, a rabbi, and a minister walked in.'

"Have I got plenty of gossip for you?"

"He promised me the moon. He gave me Apollo 13."

"A funny thing happened to me at work today..."

"Anything horrible going on in your life?"

"I feel like my emotional baggage is permanently stuck on the luggage carousel."

"If it doesn't happen on Facebook, it didn't happen."

"I forgot to take a pic of the tacos."

" 'How I Spent My Summer Vacation,' a treatment by Todd Mozelle, Grade Three."

That lovely summer day, Little Red Riding Hood decided to deviate from the script.

"And then, suddenly, it was 3 P.M., and she hadn't really got anything done."

'It doesn't say what she had for dessert on Thanksgiving. It just says she made a coach out of her pumpkin.'

Girl to girl: 'A friend is someone you don't have to call dibs with.'

"My instagram feed is basically people, dog food, and tennis balls."

"Congratulations! It's a boy! Quickly nurse! Get her phone and upload a picture to facebook!"

"Well, if it's a fairy story you want, here's a good one that arrived at the office today."

"Trust me, you don't want this job."

'You put it down for five seconds. I get it now.'

Sonographer and pregnant couple looking at images of the fetus on a screen with options to share the image on various social media platforms

'Mom, can't we stop to look at the Grand Canyon?'

'I told you that parrot didn't know how to navigate.'

"Well...at least you don't s**t on my ideas."

"Are you sure? It doesn't look like a diet pill!"

'You know, it isn't the mother's texting while delivering that bothers, it's those damn selfies they upload to Facebook.

"Now, is this the kind of painting you mommy would be proud to post on her Instagram?"