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"Meanwhile, in the Memory Care Unit... I said, your secret’s safe with me."

"Happy birthday, dear. You still have that sparkle in your eyes!" "That sparkle burned out years ago. These are cataracts."

" 'How I Spent My Summer Vacation,' a treatment by Todd Mozelle, Grade Three."

"You're crappin' in the closet again, Claude."

'It doesn't say what she had for dessert on Thanksgiving. It just says she made a coach out of her pumpkin.'

"Well, Mr. Goddam Fancy-Pants Small-Town-Expose hot shot! What makes you think we don't all have lusty, kiss-and-tell memoirs boiling away inside us?"

"But, doctor, what are the advantages of living longer?"

"I see Joe Bosco passed away." "Yeah. I heard he laid down the boogie and played that funky music til he died."

Wanna talk about it?

"Trust me, you don't want this job."

James Bond: Senior Years.

'I told you that parrot didn't know how to navigate.'

Mort, the doctor says you can't get too riled up. It's bad for your heart. Yes, dear. You're not a young man anymore. You're not in tip-top shape. You don't eat well. You're not so muscular. I'm not a fan of your haircut. Nurse!

"I feel like my emotional baggage is permanently stuck on the luggage carousel."

"Yes, dear. I'm pretty sure it's 'granny panties on the inside, pants on the outside.'"

"You're getting more wrinklier, grandpa. You should drink more water."

"The Doctor says it's very rate for the superannuated to get taller."

Gerontologist on the phone - 'Oh, you know ... same old, same old ... and how are things with you?'

'It's sadly ironic in a way - He can't hear the hearing aid commercials.'

'Oh, to be 75 again!'

Can't stand him. He really gets on my nerves, he does. Old curmudgeon embarrassing himself like that."

"Slow down. This stuff is gold, I’m tellin’ ya! Gold!"

Old man has a walking stick case.

'Did someone say something?'

'Wow! Where'd you come from?'

"I know I'm getting old when one big fart throws my back out."

"You ain't wearin' a brassiere." "How could you tell?" "Cuz the wrinkles are all stretched out of yer face."

Old Geezers Erupting Every Hour on the Hour.

"Remember toothache!!!"

'Normally I don't mind regifting but on occasion you get back the same hideous thing you tried to get rid of.'

"How's your memory?"

"Hearing aids. What did you wish for?"

'I feel just like a newborn baby. . . Yes, no hair, no teeth, and I think I just wet my pants.'

Getting Old Sucks: "Incontinence hotline. Can you hold please?"

"What I did during my summer vacation with my mom's 1,000 free minutes..."