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"Meanwhile, in the Memory Care Unit... I said, your secret’s safe with me."

"Happy birthday, dear. You still have that sparkle in your eyes!" "That sparkle burned out years ago. These are cataracts."

" 'How I Spent My Summer Vacation,' a treatment by Todd Mozelle, Grade Three."

"You're crappin' in the closet again, Claude."

"But, doctor, what are the advantages of living longer?"

'It doesn't say what she had for dessert on Thanksgiving. It just says she made a coach out of her pumpkin.'

"I see Joe Bosco passed away." "Yeah. I heard he laid down the boogie and played that funky music til he died."

"Well, Mr. Goddam Fancy-Pants Small-Town-Expose hot shot! What makes you think we don't all have lusty, kiss-and-tell memoirs boiling away inside us?"

Wanna talk about it?

"Trust me, you don't want this job."

'I told you that parrot didn't know how to navigate.'

"You're getting more wrinklier, grandpa. You should drink more water."

"The Doctor says it's very rate for the superannuated to get taller."

"I feel like my emotional baggage is permanently stuck on the luggage carousel."

"Yes, dear. I'm pretty sure it's 'granny panties on the inside, pants on the outside.'"

Gerontologist on the phone - 'Oh, you know ... same old, same old ... and how are things with you?'

'It's sadly ironic in a way - He can't hear the hearing aid commercials.'

'Oh, to be 75 again!'

'Did someone say something?'

"You ain't wearin' a brassiere." "How could you tell?" "Cuz the wrinkles are all stretched out of yer face."

Can't stand him. He really gets on my nerves, he does. Old curmudgeon embarrassing himself like that."

"I know I'm getting old when one big fart throws my back out."

"Slow down. This stuff is gold, I’m tellin’ ya! Gold!"

Old man has a walking stick case.

'Wow! Where'd you come from?'

'I feel just like a newborn baby. . . Yes, no hair, no teeth, and I think I just wet my pants.'

"What I did during my summer vacation with my mom's 1,000 free minutes..."

"Remember toothache!!!"

'Normally I don't mind regifting but on occasion you get back the same hideous thing you tried to get rid of.'

"How's your memory?"

"Hearing aids. What did you wish for?"

Getting Old Sucks: "Incontinence hotline. Can you hold please?"

"I think she's the new nurse. She's been here ever since I can remember."