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'Dammit, Bubbles, we need this memoir yesterday - write, damn you!'

'I have a case of...oh, heck. What's that called?'

Will Self deprecation

"It took me 4 years to finish my book!"

"Too bad about old Ainsworth. Published and published, but perished all the same."

The New Fundamentals of Art: 'We'll begin with the most basic figure, the trademark attorney...'

"I've decided to cut out the middleman and self-publish."

Multi-Tasking

Replacement Bus Spotters.

'Anorak anoraks'.

"Those are the failed attempts at my first novel."

"Your editor called again to see if the well was still dry."

'Don't write on that wall with crayons! It'll show up better on that wall over there.'

Writer: Humour and Tragedy.

"The trouble with spelling rules is that they impede creativity."

'I'm a writer.' - 'What a coincidence, I'm a reader.'

"Where do you get your derivative ideas?"

Bird Watching with Binoculars

"It's been done, but I don't think it's been redone."

Hans Holbein

'After three years of writer's block, I began writing about writer's block.'

Now that I've written the book, could you put in a good word with the sales team's muse?

John Waters

'I've worked out that all you need for a summer blockbuster is...'

'Honestly, I didn't mean any of those things I wrote about you in my diary last night!'

How to create a brilliant cartoon

Screenwriters, Inc. Send this revised script to Rupert Murdoch! Right! I'll fax the fix to Fox!

"Is this the wobbly table? I'll put my screenplay under this leg."

Hollywood director.

"But you got some good reviews too, yeah?"

"Bible studies class? We're still writing it."

Anna Burns

"This is a selection from my novel about a writers' group that has one real writer and five wanna-be b*****s."

Writer’s Corner

"Would it hurt you to take two minutes from writing code to write your grandmother?"