Stomach Acid Survivor Gifts

Gastroesophageal reflux disease.

'Time for your pills.'

"On second thought, mabe it would look better over there."

'This app is linked to my financial advisor and provides simulated hand holding when the market is down.'

'Our fund lost millions, but the good news is our management fees are not based on performance.'

Black Friday - the day the retailer is crucified

'I still say it was a mistake having the ceremony TOO close to his stag night!'

"For years after Vietnam, I woke up screaming about the cold weather in Toronto."

"Look, we're all thirsty. You don't see me whining about it."

"Before someone says anything, yes, it was a long winter."

You know retail is in a bad way when...

'Believe it or not you're our greatest liability Jones!'

"Help me! I'm trapped. In a dead end job."

Tax grab.

"Let's first talk about how you could have done worse."

Sign reading "Bought High; Sold Low."

'There is something wrong with the spinach. It tastes good.'

'Thank you for calling the IRS... Press one for laughter in the background, press two for crying in the background.'

"I'm afraid there's just so far you can go with street smarts."

'The hospital food was terrible, but the savings were substantial.'

'And what seems to be wrong with the sprayer, sir?'

I know it's not on the yoga dvd but a spider crawled up my sleeve

"Sure, you lost most of your money investing in this stock, but they did give you a participation trophy."

"Nothing in my hat. Nothing up my sleeve. And as of right now, ladies and gentlemen, nothing at all left in my goddamn portfolio."

"First me stock split, then my wife ran away with my broker, then my driverless car drove off without me..."

'If it's any consolation, your portfoilo is now in a far better place.'

'I'll be right with you as soon as I feed Buzzy.'

'Since I lost my shirt on the stock market, I now only accept strong currency or gold bullion.'

"The tiny one treats the symptoms. The big one treats the side effects."

'Your portfolio took a beating...,but the good news is no humans or animals were injured.'

'The good news is the airline was trying to skimp on fuel, and no terrorists were involved.'t