Stock Vigilante Gifts

"Stocks closed higher on news that despite market volatility, Edgar Freund, just an average investor from Petoskey, Michigan, decided not to sell anything."

"Stop summoning me about rising sea levels. I do costumed supervillains staling jewels, men in beanies grabbing handbags - that sort of thing."

"Because when you go first nobody else has any fun, that's why."

"You're stealing from the rich and selling it to the poor on Craigslist?"

"Oh, please. Lord, no ... I'm only 50! No, please – anything but reading glasses!"

"Peter Parker is Spiderman! Clark Kent is Superman!! Bruce Wayne is Batman!"

Scarecrows guarding a field

"Beware of God"

"Queen begins with Q, it should be precisely here."

I've got to monitor all chatter in the cafe to prevent future pastry thefts. I don't know … What if you've got a scone thief for a neighbor, or a friend, or even a family member? Sure, today it's just a scone. But the next attack could be huge – the big one! You don't mean … Hoagie. They're trying to destroy our whole way of life.

"It's the Grammar Police! Have you been using 'your' when you should be using 'you're' again?"

"You mean to tell me I can only vote against one Congressman?"

Wrong ways to wear a face mask.

"My goodness, Gurkenham! This is the worst case of identity theft I've ever seen!"

Collapse of 'Corner Men'

Omicron: "Viva 2022!"

'I've brought my attorney along to read the small print.'

A footballer is having an eye test.

'Could we have a little chat when you're through here?'

'The opportunity to be fair and just is rewarding - but what I especially like is taking the law into my own hands.'

'You have voted, yes! Have your SHEEP voted!'

"Miss Jones, get up here and change this eye chart, please!"

'Mom, the only thing I don't like about this job is the screen saver.'

"Don't read it! He's phishing."

Monster in optician.

'She wasn't hoydening when she chuffed arrack.'

'You haven't been eating your carrots, have you?'

Eyedropper_b&w

'You appreciate that you have just used a split infinitive!'

Don't feed the bears vegetables.

"What's the point of being your sidekick if the courts won't recognize it?"

What a hypochondriac --- He's always turning on his "check engine" light!

Your Precious Vote

"So how to you know I'm an optician?"

'Sir, what is the matter?' - 'New contact lenses.'