Stock Market Punsters Pillows

"This is an initial public offering."

"After searching for the sun all night, it finally dawned on me..."

The Contrarian funds

"...and we hope that, for a cyber-crime, you will consider a cyber-penalty."

"We're a pharmaceutical company. We should be getting 'pharm' subsidies."

"It's one of the positive side effects of the new weight-loss drugs."

Ask Mister Buck: Financial Expert. "Dear Mister Buck, Is it true that 'money talks'?" Yes, and it drowns out everything else!

'I see you've renamed your portfolios Moe, Larry and Curley.'

Math Jokes

'Give it to me straight, Doc - just how long-term should my long-term investments be?'

"Don't be fooled - that's Henrietta, cross-dressing again."

'There's been no confirmation, but the possible merger of two giants has sent stock prices soaring.'

Moving. Mortgage payments bankrupted them. I guess "housebroken" means something different in their case.

'And you, William Elwood Hoonavogel, are you willing to give up your free range status?'

Time and money on a seesaw are equals.

Al's Junk: Now selling Russian Govt. Bonds!

"I wish she's take us. She shops at the 99 scent store!"

-I once dreamed about carrots and peas,and then bet on two horses the next day called carrots and peas. Guess who won? -Who? -An outsider called mixed vegetables.

Happy Hour 5-6, but don't read a lot into it.

Fart. Le Poot.

Bought Low, Sold Lower.

"I'd like to file a defamation suit. 'Bear markets' is a derogatory term."

"Well, I changed the signs. Now you can enter your office. Thanks for waiting, sir."

"Your broker has 'comped' your meals."

"Everyone flunked Economics this semester. Interest rates were low."

'I assumed this is where the market headed south, but GPS says 'southeast'.'

"Do you think there might be a bitcoin in it?"

Cows buying from 'Pants R us'

"Today's emerging markets saw their shadow and reverted to frontier markets for another 6 weeks."

"I'd like to talk about the existence of deviled eggs among the lay-ity."

"Lose those fantasies of exacting vengeance from the afterlife. Our best hope is a mild case of salmonella."

Unlike other places, around here "take a load off" means "get back to work."

67 79 97. I thought they'd be more vigorous. I said they're "primes," not "in their prime." 30.

'Yes, they do have magnetic strips, but no, iron supplements don't cause you to be attracted to credit cards.'

"Extinction? Relax. We're too big to fail."