Stock Market Punsters Pillows

"This is an initial public offering."

"After searching for the sun all night, it finally dawned on me..."

The Contrarian funds

"...and we hope that, for a cyber-crime, you will consider a cyber-penalty."

"We're a pharmaceutical company. We should be getting 'pharm' subsidies."

"It's one of the positive side effects of the new weight-loss drugs."

Math Jokes

'Give it to me straight, Doc - just how long-term should my long-term investments be?'

"Don't be fooled - that's Henrietta, cross-dressing again."

'There's been no confirmation, but the possible merger of two giants has sent stock prices soaring.'

'And you, William Elwood Hoonavogel, are you willing to give up your free range status?'

Time and money on a seesaw are equals.

Al's Junk: Now selling Russian Govt. Bonds!

"I wish she's take us. She shops at the 99 scent store!"

-I once dreamed about carrots and peas,and then bet on two horses the next day called carrots and peas. Guess who won? -Who? -An outsider called mixed vegetables.

Bought Low, Sold Lower.

"I'd like to file a defamation suit. 'Bear markets' is a derogatory term."

Fart. Le Poot.

"Well, I changed the signs. Now you can enter your office. Thanks for waiting, sir."

"Your broker has 'comped' your meals."

"Everyone flunked Economics this semester. Interest rates were low."

'I assumed this is where the market headed south, but GPS says 'southeast'.'

"Do you think there might be a bitcoin in it?"

Cows buying from 'Pants R us'

"Today's emerging markets saw their shadow and reverted to frontier markets for another 6 weeks."

"Lose those fantasies of exacting vengeance from the afterlife. Our best hope is a mild case of salmonella."

'Yes, they do have magnetic strips, but no, iron supplements don't cause you to be attracted to credit cards.'

"Extinction? Relax. We're too big to fail."

'Before the smart money leaves the market, we need to get the dumb money into the market. Here's a list of un-savvy investors to call.'