Financial Punsters Pillows

"I'm an occasional, not an everyday friend. I guess you could say I'm like the stock market."

'It's not easy being green on grass!'

"We're a very small international conglomerate."

'A representative from Merrill Lynch to see you.'

'So, paternity leave problem solved then?'

"Now that's how to declare a dividend!"

'The days here are six months long... you'll love the daytrading.'

The Contrarian funds

'I am on a diet! It's called the Wall Street diet. I invested in British Airways, and the first day I lost 500 pounds.'

'Smith, where exactly did you get your experience in 'Hedge Fund Management'?'

Escaping Black Hole - '..But captain that's the pensions black hole there is no escape!'

"Yes, the market did advance this week, Rebecca, but we feel it's somewhat of a 'dead-cat bounce.'"

'There's a bear on line one and a bull on line two. Who do you want me to put through first?'

"...and we hope that, for a cyber-crime, you will consider a cyber-penalty."

"We're a pharmaceutical company. We should be getting 'pharm' subsidies."

Ask Mister Buck: Financial Expert. "Dear Mister Buck, Is it true that 'money talks'?" Yes, and it drowns out everything else!

'I see you've renamed your portfolios Moe, Larry and Curley.'

A good executive is known by the company he keeps solvent.

"It's one of the positive side effects of the new weight-loss drugs."

"My company's board members all told me the vision statement I wrote is really blurry."

'It's a retrospective of Bernanke's most obtuse economic jargon...'

"I'm in here...reallocating Dad's retirement account into junk bonds."

Math Jokes

'Give it to me straight, Doc - just how long-term should my long-term investments be?'

"I'd love to help but at the moment I'm saddled with this enormous mortgage."

Calls of the Wild: Moose Call, Coyote Call and Margin Call.

'There's been no confirmation, but the possible merger of two giants has sent stock prices soaring.'

'Your investments aren't under performing, they're just appreciation challenged.'

Moving. Mortgage payments bankrupted them. I guess "housebroken" means something different in their case.

"I'm sorry but here we have a strict policy about hiring anyone who's squirmish about investing"

'Well, I don't care what Uncle Gary says. It's call the Capitol, not ‘Laws R Us.''

'This is what I call the ultimate in money laundering.'

'I'm rather rich actually, maybe it's because I always laugh all the way to the bank...'

'Yes, that will work as an elevator pitch...if your potential client works in a skyscraper...'

'Activist investors are here to see you and they're wearing boxing gloves.'