Financial Punsters Pillows

"I'm an occasional, not an everyday friend. I guess you could say I'm like the stock market."

"We're a very small international conglomerate."

'It's not easy being green on grass!'

'A representative from Merrill Lynch to see you.'

'So, paternity leave problem solved then?'

"Now that's how to declare a dividend!"

The Contrarian funds

'The days here are six months long... you'll love the daytrading.'

'Smith, where exactly did you get your experience in 'Hedge Fund Management'?'

"Yes, the market did advance this week, Rebecca, but we feel it's somewhat of a 'dead-cat bounce.'"

Escaping Black Hole - '..But captain that's the pensions black hole there is no escape!'

'There's a bear on line one and a bull on line two. Who do you want me to put through first?'

"...and we hope that, for a cyber-crime, you will consider a cyber-penalty."

"We're a pharmaceutical company. We should be getting 'pharm' subsidies."

A good executive is known by the company he keeps solvent.

"It's one of the positive side effects of the new weight-loss drugs."

"My company's board members all told me the vision statement I wrote is really blurry."

"I'm in here...reallocating Dad's retirement account into junk bonds."

Math Jokes

'Give it to me straight, Doc - just how long-term should my long-term investments be?'

"I'd love to help but at the moment I'm saddled with this enormous mortgage."

Calls of the Wild: Moose Call, Coyote Call and Margin Call.

'There's been no confirmation, but the possible merger of two giants has sent stock prices soaring.'

'Your investments aren't under performing, they're just appreciation challenged.'

'I'm rather rich actually, maybe it's because I always laugh all the way to the bank...'

'Well, I don't care what Uncle Gary says. It's call the Capitol, not ‘Laws R Us.''

"I'm sorry but here we have a strict policy about hiring anyone who's squirmish about investing"

'This is what I call the ultimate in money laundering.'

'Yes, that will work as an elevator pitch...if your potential client works in a skyscraper...'

'Activist investors are here to see you and they're wearing boxing gloves.'

Time and money on a seesaw are equals.