Stock Market Guru Gifts

'The problem seems to be pointing in your direction, Ferguson.'

"Until we get a bigger chart, we're estimating it's now about up to here."

"Up a hundred and sixteen points! If only we'd had the foresight to invest ten minutes ago."

Satire on Stock Market Speculation

'Look on the bright side; you got out of that stock before it became...unstable.'

'Sell South Africa!'

"Now, where was I? Oh yeah - interest rates..."

'Good day on the market, huh?'

Annual Stockholders' Meeting: Take some tissues.

"They're 'old money'-- they made it all in tech stocks."

Financial crisis.

"We always look out for our stockholders!"

"This is not permanent...we'll be back as soon as things start to look up."

'I'm depressed Ms. Hartwig. Send in some optimistic economic data to cheer me up.'

'Yes, that's my short term investment that went wrong.'

"Do you have a pill for acute greed?"

Japanese economic policies advocated by Shinzo Abe.

City Bank: Don't put all your eggs in one basket, unless that basket is us!'

'I'm afraid the stock price gods are not happy Ralph.'

'Hank, I'm taking you out of short-term bonds and putting you into forever stamps.'

'His shares are all that's sexy!'

Major Wall Street players.

Investments - Founders Bear and Bull.

''If it ain't broke, don't fix it', is not a good philosophy for one's portfolio.'

'Bond prices will start falling when interest rate's rise!'

A great investment today is the one you didn't make.

Still bullish if I get more credit cards.

"If I'm such a good stock picker, why do I have to work? That's none of your business."

Phobia Clinic: Now treating Dow 15,000 acrophobia.

'Yeah. It was a good day.'

"I'd like to return these - they're no good for insider dealing."

"Stocks were up, but irrational exuberance was still down."

Economics journalist

"When I said this stock will be $100 in six months, I meant its market cap."

"It's our shareholders... They've lost that lovin' feeling."