Sterilization Stickler Pillows

'Doctor, I don't think the five-second rule applies to transplant organs.'

'Before you see any patients have you completed your hand sterilisation and soap management course?'

TSA Noah

Giraffe Selfie

"This just in... the country has adopted a 24 hr military clock... ...details at 23."

"You have no idea what it's like to be a 'just between you and me' person in a 'just between you and I' world."

"Hey! There's a hair in my soup!"

'Where's my glove?'

'Will you stick to the script!!!'

'The beer's not cloudy, the glass is dirty.'

Cowboy in Old West boasts of having shot a guy for ending a sentence in a preposition.

How to write

Rare footage of a leopard changing spots.

'I'm fist-bumping all of my patients now, because it spreads fewer germs than a handshake.'

"I ordered my steak rare - and this is well done...!"

"May I remind the faculty that, in the event of a nuclear strike, atom bombs take a gender-neutral pronoun."

"Some clean room - there's a fly in my potassium nitrate."

"Hold on there buddy, that's not a KJV Bible." (two men talking, one with a Bible)

"She said it's not me; it's my semicolons."

'Good boy. That's better than the others, but still too long. For playing fetch, I prefer a shorter stick, shaped like that, without bark or moss, and not quite as heavy.'

"In case anyone walks by and sees the bottle you ordered, we offer a sticker saying your first bottle was rated 98."

"The Department of Revenue and Tax? No, sorry, never heard of it before. You must have dialed the wrong number. This is the Department of Tax and Revenue."

'No hitting below the belt.'

"No no no...You can kick the ball into touch, not the opposition!"

"For goodness sake, I don't need to do a new risk assessment each time I cut a new tree..."

". . . So what's with bosses these days? It seems like I can never find a good one."

'You stink! You missed that encroachment call with 15 seconds left.'

'Bavetta! The foul is called 'holding.' Stop calling it 'touchy-feely.''

'I liked the bit about fiscal integrity and transparency - what I didn't like was his personal hygiene.'

'Oh maaaan. Not again!!'

"Your tickets are only valid between 9:37 and 09:45 on an alternate Tuesday in a month with an 'R' in it. . . and only on the less-frequent train company. . ."

'RETIRED CEO? I expressly told them to refer to me as ‘Former Strongman.''

Passenger on a train blaming a clerical man for smoking

Biker: 'Gesundheit!' a female pillion passenger messes up the inside of her helmet from her sneeze