Sterilization Stickler T-Shirts

'Doctor, I don't think the five-second rule applies to transplant organs.'

'Before you see any patients have you completed your hand sterilisation and soap management course?'

TSA Noah

Giraffe Selfie

"This just in... the country has adopted a 24 hr military clock... ...details at 23."

"You have no idea what it's like to be a 'just between you and me' person in a 'just between you and I' world."

"Hey! There's a hair in my soup!"

'Where's my glove?'

I have a new linguistic pet peeve. It's when, instead of just saying something like, "Bob ate a sandwich," people say, "Bob, he ate a sandwich." It drives me absolutely crazy. Speaking as a psychiatrist, that's a short drive, Al.

'Will you stick to the script!!!'

'The beer's not cloudy, the glass is dirty.'

Cowboy in Old West boasts of having shot a guy for ending a sentence in a preposition.

How to write

Rare footage of a leopard changing spots.

'I'm fist-bumping all of my patients now, because it spreads fewer germs than a handshake.'

"I ordered my steak rare - and this is well done...!"

"May I remind the faculty that, in the event of a nuclear strike, atom bombs take a gender-neutral pronoun."

"Some clean room - there's a fly in my potassium nitrate."

"Hold on there buddy, that's not a KJV Bible." (two men talking, one with a Bible)

'Good boy. That's better than the others, but still too long. For playing fetch, I prefer a shorter stick, shaped like that, without bark or moss, and not quite as heavy.'

"In case anyone walks by and sees the bottle you ordered, we offer a sticker saying your first bottle was rated 98."

"She said it's not me; it's my semicolons."

"The Department of Revenue and Tax? No, sorry, never heard of it before. You must have dialed the wrong number. This is the Department of Tax and Revenue."

"No no no...You can kick the ball into touch, not the opposition!"

'No hitting below the belt.'

"For goodness sake, I don't need to do a new risk assessment each time I cut a new tree..."

". . . So what's with bosses these days? It seems like I can never find a good one."

'You forgot one of the essential facts of putting - the ball always breaks toward the water.'

Passenger on a train blaming a clerical man for smoking

Biker: 'Gesundheit!' a female pillion passenger messes up the inside of her helmet from her sneeze

'For snoring?! Hell, that's nothing'. I once shot a man for ending sentence in a preposition.'

'RETIRED CEO? I expressly told them to refer to me as ‘Former Strongman.''

'Bavetta! The foul is called 'holding.' Stop calling it 'touchy-feely.''

'I liked the bit about fiscal integrity and transparency - what I didn't like was his personal hygiene.'

'You stink! You missed that encroachment call with 15 seconds left.'