Stand-up Guru Pillows

"He's gonna be in and out for a while, so we should write something funny on his forehead."

They hated me.

Snowprov

"To save time, I'll just mention the people I’m not thanking."

"See that stain? My wife did that, not me. All her, totally her fault."

'Which would be more Zen ? a pizza with nothing, or a pizza with everything?'

"Allow me to respond to your question with a question of my own that I can answer."

Presentation skills.

'Forget it. Bioethics doesn't apply to us.'

It is believed dear Jack finally figured out women. Trouble is, he died laughing before he could tell anybody.

"I said, 'You must be waiting for 'Mr. Right,' too.'"

Never pick a fight with a comedian.

"She's really nice and I didn't want to hurt her feelings, so here we are."

"You've tested positive for being awesome. Just kidding - it was negative."

"I stand corrected. Hard as you try, sometimes you just can't find the humor in a situation."

"There will be a Q&A...but in this era of Trump I will be insulting anyone whose questions I don't like."

'My phone number, Social Security number and Zip Code, just to buy gum? They didn't ask me that many questions when I joined the army.'

Physics Improv. "I now vill be taking suggestions from ze audience..."

"OK, I know that this is borderline inappropriate, but just hear me out ..."

"I've always wanted to do this - 'knock, knock...who's there?'"

'Hendrikson is playing his practical joke again!'

"I'll now take some rambling, nonsensical statements from the audience."

Nick Offerman

"Come on guys, my jokes aren't that bad!"

'The Parkinson would be good PR, but should I wear the hair shirt or the sackcloth and ashes?'

'Prolonged sitting leads to death? What's up with that?'

'Just decaning the wine, Dear; I'll be in, in a sec. Someone's at the door; and oh, yeah, the dog needs to be let in.'

'And the winner of the 'biggest loser in love' category is...'

"My husband wanted me to get a boob job, so I became a stand-up comedian."

'You said to come back once I got my act together.'

Chicken: the one-man show

'His dad was a standup. He's a quip off the old block.'