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"Page 33, line 4..."

'We had to donwsize.'

Chekov play and scorecard,

'Not that I think you'll need it. But good luck with the 'Jack and the beanstalk' audition.'

Dog says, "I must admit that I've come a long way since I first heard the word, 'speak'."

Barbara Streisand

'After years of practicing in empty theaters, Horace's dream of becoming a soft-shoe dancer seemed as remote as ever.'

'You idiot, Martin, you don't need those silly glasses to get an amazing 3-D effect. . . this is a PLAY!'

Pirate

"I only feel truly alive when I'm on the stage."

"Does my bum look big in this aria?"

'I hope he doesn't pick on ME!'

When Benny learned that the language of musical theatre doesn't translate well in real life...

"This isn't his audition...he's telling us about being an actor."

The actors' guild

'I saw an offbeat play the other night. No one took off their clothes.'

"I've been typecast."

"I played the cocoon last year."

Another opening, another show!

"I'm afraid you've come to the wrong place. This is a talent agency, not a lack of talent agency."

"Take my advice; speak softly but carry a big shtick."

Wordplay: Pantomime.

"WE had a surprise guest, but the biggest surprise was he didn't show up."

Shakespearean Actor

'We've lost the will to go on with our play! Is there a motivational speaker in the house?'

'What have I told you about laughing on purpose, Mother?'

TV stage door

"Couldn't get any of my acts into panto this year, all full of %�*$ TV critics"

Spiro & Pusho illusionists

"Ok, ok, how's everyone feeling tonight besides a thousand dollars poorer?"

"I set a limit: one pity play per actor friend per year."

"Hi, I'm Ron. I'll be your waiter this evening. Previously, I was Billy Bigelow in the Center Moriches production of 'Carousel,' Biff in the Yardley Playhouse's 'Death of a Salesman,' Nathan Detroit in Oakland's 'Guys and Dolls,' Laertes in . . ."

Death of Salesperson

"It's nice of you to say so, Ben, but somehow the idea of 'Shakespeare in the Park' doesn't really appeal to me."

"Thank you, Mr. Mulvaney, but what we're really looking for is someone with talent."